Side One:

     Mary: ... personal relations, session one.

Introduction. This a basic course in interpersonal relations designed to be used by small groups, five or six persons, its purpose is two-fold: to teach the principles for good human relations, and to provide and opportunity for actually experiencing a new kind of interaction with others.

     The course provides step by step instructions for discussions, awareness of others' experience, and basic practice in interpersonal communication.

Procedures: A group meeting of an hour and a half is scheduled once a week for five weeks, if possible, both sexes should be represented in a group of five or six. A variety of age differences is acceptable. Only one booklet, presenting the session which the group is doing at the particular meeting, is needed by the group. Participants take turns reading the page out loud. When the group is assembled for the first time, and ready to begin the course, one member opens the booklet to page one and begins. The same group should go through all five sessions together. Take turns reading these cards out loud. Each page is called a frame. When you finish reading a card, pass the book to the person on your right and let him read the next frame.  The purpose of this program is to teach you some things about interpersonal relations. At times you may be asked to discuss a specific topic or just to take a few minutes to talk. You will probably stop sometimes on your own to discuss things that are not clear, or to express your views to each other. These various interactions with your partners are an important part of this program, since they will represent actual experiences with things that you will be learning about. They will also give you the opportunity to try out some new ways of relating to other people. Thing that are going on now and here-after serve to illustrate important principles. For example, the fact that you are reading out loud is probably something you are not used to, and probably lead to some uncomfortable feelings. Is this true for you? Take a moment to discuss it. If the person that read the last frame did feel discomfort in reading out loud, and if he did discuss it, this discussion may illustrate another important principle. Bringing this kind of discomfort out in the open with other persons often serves to relieve it. Was this true of your group?

     This program is concerned with ways people relate to each other. We will say that two people are relating when each is responding to the other as a person. It is possible to respond to each other as objects. And example of this would be asking someone for the time of day. You might have consulter a clock just as well. Which of the following would provide the best example of people responding to each other as persons rather that objects?

Tell the group which answer you would give, then check your answer on the top of the next page. Answer: A, talking with a close friend.

     Of course you already have some ability in relating to people, but just as the ability to paint can be improved with experience with brushes and oils, your ability to respond to people as people rather than objects can be improved through experience with other people. Before passing this book, check your answer with the one at the top of the following page.

Answer, experience, and talking.

     You will sometimes be asked to converse with each other. When this happens, you should not try to put on an act or force yourself to do anything, but rather to just do what comes naturally to you. It is clear that your groups learning will depend on you to a considerable extent and vice versa. One of the things you can do to help your partners gain the most from this program is to remember that relating means responding to them as persons and not as objects. The most important difference between objects and people is that people have feelings. No matter how obvious this sounds, it is one thing which is easiest to forget. When you are instructed to converse with someone, look at him and remind yourself that he is a person with feelings. Later, we will give you more details about ways you can help your group gain the most from this program. At this time, we only want to suggest that you try to look at your partners as people who have many feelings just as you do. When you have finished reading the frame, set the book aside and take five minutes to talk with each other.

     After your conversation, go on to the next frame. In the following frames, you will be discussing somethings about conversations you just had, so take a minute now to go over the conversation to get a clear idea of how it started, what you talked about, and how you talked. Help each other to remember. The following frames give descriptions of two coversational patterns. Read these frames one at a time and decide which of the two descriptions most accurately fits the conversation you just had. The answer will tell you which conversational pattern usually occurs under these circumstances. Refer to the answer after you describe which description fits your conversation better.

'A' usually occurs.

'A' usually occurs.

'A' usually occurs.

'B' usually occurs.

     You probably discovered from the exercise that there are certain things that can be predicted about most conversation. People tend to talk about facts and idea rather than about their feelings, to avoid silences during conversations if they can, and to show more agreement than they really feel for the sake of goodwill. Are most of you conversations with people like this? Before turning to the next card, discuss this in your group for a few minutes. The tendency described in the previous frames are not necesarilly bad, however, they are part of a general pattern of human relationships in our society. When carried to extremes, this pattern keeps people from being human with each other. In short, it turns people into objects. You can help your partners get the most out of this program if you keep in mind that they're people with feelings, it is also important to try to become aware of just what their feelings are.

     A feeling is something that a person feels, such as fear, restlessness, joy, anger, contentment, uneasiness, affection. This is different from opinion or belief. Which of the following is basically an expression of feeling and which is basically an expression of opinion?

'A' is a feeling, 'B' is an opinion.

     Which of the following is basically an expression of feeling and which is basically an opinion?

'A' is a feeling, 'B' is an opinion.

     Which is basically a feeling, and which is an opinion?

'B' is a feeling.

     A very important part of relating to other people is the ability to let someone know you are aware of these feelings and to do it in a way that does not make him wish he kept the feelings hidden. When this is done successfully, we call it showing acceptance of his feelings. If you let another person know that you are aware of his feelings without making him wish he had kept them hidden, then according to the definition above, you are showing acceptance of his feelings. Showing acceptance of feeling involves two things. First, you let the other person know that you are aware of these feeling, and second, you do not wish he had kept them hidden.

     Suppose a friend of your was looking very sad, even close to tears. You see his sadness, but don't know what caused it. Suppose you say, 'I don't know what it is, but something seems to be making you terribly sad right now'. Let your group discuss whether this response would show awareness of his feelings and whether it would make him wish he had kept his feeling hidden. Of course the affect of the above response would depend on the circumstances and how it was said, but it would certainly show awareness of feeling and it would probably not make him wish he had kept his feelings hidden. Therefore, this would be an example of showing awareness of a feeling.

     Showing acceptance of feeling does not necesarilly mean doing something about the feeling, such as giving advice, giving reassurance, or even say that you think the feeling is justified. Look at the response from the preceding example. 'I don't know what it is, but something seems to be making you terribly sad right now', and note that none of these things is necesarily involved. When you recognize another persons feeling, it is easy to say something that might make him feel foolish, ashamed, or inferior, and to do this without realizing it. In what way does this kind of response fail to meet the definition of showing acceptance of feeling? If you have forgotten the definition, look on frame 25. Such a response may show that you are aware of the feeling but is likely to make the person wish that he had kept it hidden.

     Suppose a friend of yours had been working on a certain job for years, and had been trying very hard to do a good job. One day he tells you that his supervisor criticizes him all the time and never mentions his good work. You sense that he is discouraged and frustrated, you say 'It's ridiculous for you to get sore about that. My boss never pats me on the back, and it never bothers me'.  Would this response show acceptance of your friend's feelings? Why, or why not? No. It does show awareness of feelings, but it would proabably make him wish that he had kept them to himself. Could you show acceptance of his feeling in this situationby say, 'It sure is discouraging to work so hard and not any recognition, isn't it?' . Yes, this response would show him that you are aware of his feelings and would not likely make him wish he had kept them hidden. You'll become aware of someone's feeling when you're interested in him. Thus, when you let him know that you're aware of his feelings, you are also letting him know that you are interested in him.

     People often find the concept of showing acceptance confusing because of the difficulty in seperating it from common ideas such as being curteous, diplomatic, helpful. It is important to recognize that these other things need not be involved, although of course they may be. If you find this idea confusing, discuss it with the group. In another frame, two of you will be asked to pretend you are friends who are talking. We will descibe a recent experience and one of you will be telling the other about it. We will also give several different feelings that the person might have had. The person telling about the experience will express one of these feelings. The person listening will try to respond to the speaker in a way that show acceptance of his feelings.

     One way to show awareness of feeling is to refer to it by name, using words like annoyance, fear, affection. We are interested here in looking at responses to feelings as they might come up in everyday life. The rest of the group will observe the conversation and notice how well the listener shows acceptance of the other's feelings. I'll select which of you will take the part of the speaker and which the part of the listener. Then have someone else read the next page. The experience is this: Last night you were at a party and you met a new couple. Here is some ways you might have felt about them.

The speaker should choose one of these feeling, think about it for a minute, and then tell the listener about last night's meeting as if it really happened. The listener should try to respond in a way that tries to show acceptance of the speakers feelings. The rest of the group will observe. Now consider for a moment the responses that the listener made to the speaker's feelings. Do you think they showed acceptance of feelings? Also try to think of a response that would not show an acceptance of feeling. Did the listeners responses communicate that he was aware of a feeling, did he actually refer to any feeling by name? Now let to others take the role and go through the same thing, the new speaker is now to pick one of these feelings and tell his experience in a way that expresses it.

Remember to tell about the experience as if it had actually happened to you and as if you really felt this way.

     Now consider again the response the listener has made. Did he communicate awareness of the speakers feelings without making him wish he had kept them hidden? Did he mention the speakers feelings by name?

     The next few frames, review things you have learned in this session. As you go through this course, you will learn certain things from the program, but what you learn will also depend on the experience you get by relating to your partners. The ability to relate can be improved only through experience. Relating means responding to someone as a person, and not as an object. When you show acceptance of another persons feelings you let him know that you are aware of his feelings without making him feel foolish, ashamed, or inferior. You do not need to pretend that you agree with his opinion. It is quite possible to show acceptance even if you disagree. In this session we have concentrated on showing acceptance of another person's feelings, a related problem is that of becoming aware of just what another person's feelings are. In the next session, we will discuss some ways in which you can become aware of another person's feelings, even when they are not expressed openly.

This is the end of Session One.

This is session two.

One: One of the main objectives of this program is to work toward relationships which are more direct, open, and forthright with other people. This will help your responses to be less guarded, formal, and beside the point than they may be now.

     In session one, we talked about showing acceptance of feelings. This should not be confused with over-acceptance, that is pretending pleasure, agreement, or interest, or carefully choosing you words to to protect the person from anything that might be uncomfortable. Over-acceptance shows a lack of respect for the other person, as though he were fragile and might be hurt or fall apart if you weremore yourself. The kinds of direct and forthright relationships which are working together are not something that can be achieved with any simple formula or set of instructions. Some of the factors involved are mutual trust and openness, a willingness to trust your own feeling, and an increased awareness of your own and other peoples feelings.

     During this session we will take up some ways that you can become more aware of other people's feelings, then we will come back to the question of responding to other's feelings when you are aware of them, as you become more aware of other people's feelings there is often a tendency to feel that you should do something about it, like fix it up. One suggestion that we would like to make is that you avoid trying to fix it up everytime you become aware of someone's feelings. Frequently, when someone asks an ordinary question, some feelings lie behind it which is not expressed. This feeling may be fairly obvious if you stop to think about it, for example, suppose you were out with a friend for an evening, and after an hour or so he asks 'what time is it?'. What might be his feeling, the feelings behind his question? Boredom, tiredness, he might actually be saying 'I wish it was time to go home'.

     What is a feeling that might lie behind this question: 'Is it safe to stand on the chair to change the lightbulb?'. Fear or concern of your safety.

     What is the feeling that might be behind this question: 'Would it be easier to go and get the step ladder?'. Annoyance with your laziness, concern for your safety.

     What is the feeling that might be behind this question: 'My boss said I did an exceptionally good job on the project. Do you think he could have meant it?'. A wish for confirmation, fear that it is too good to be true, or a way of showing off pride and pleasure.

     Just as you can often discover the feelings that lies behind a question, you can often discover the feeling behind a statement of fact or opinion. The statement 'I think my new suit will wear well' expresses an opinion, but it may also reveal feelings of satisfaction, pleasure with the new suit. Suppose a person in a new situation says 'It takes some time to get used to strange situations'. What is the feeling that might lie behind this statement? Nervousness, uneasiness? Now take a few minutes in the group to discuss why it might be important to recognize such hidden feelings in other persons.

     So far we have been concerned mostly with the other person in the relationship, with your awareness of his feelings and your response to them. Another important aspect of interpersonal relations is being aware of your own feeling when you're relating to others. Self awareness often gets ignored when you are interacting with other persons. In order to overcome this tendency, a special kind of relationship is necesary for you to feel free to explore and appreciate your own feelings. This is called a growth producing relationship. One of the main reasons for showing acceptance of feelings is that this is a necesary part of a growth producing relationship. A kind of relationship where you can gain self appreciation and self understanding does not involve a lot of probing and analyzing or diagnosing and interpreting. It is more a feeling of freedom and encouragement to have and to express you feelings.

     Lay the book aside for a few minutes and each of you tell about a growth producing relationship you have had. One way to judge whether you are showing acceptance of a person's feelings is to ask yourself whether he would be likely to continue expressing his feelings to you. Accepting another's feelings is telling him, in a sense, that you know what he's feeling and that it is alright for him to feel that way. By doing this you allow him to continue expressing his feelings and to gain further self understanding and appreciation and awareness. Looking at it from this point of view may help you to see the difference between showing acceptance and certain other ways of responding.

     For example: Giving advice, giving reassurance, and showing strong agreement all may have an affect of encouraging or cutting of someone's expression of a feeling, and thus they are not the same thing as showing acceptance. You are about to go to a very formal dinner party and you tell a friend that you are kind of nervous because you don't know just how to act. Suppose he says, 'The thing to do is just relax and keep telling yourself that you're as good as they are'. Might this make you feel that he just wants to dispose of the matter and that he thinks that your anxiety is unnecesary? Discuss this with each other. Giving advice often indicates an interest in the facts of the matter, or in some problems, rather than the interesting feelings. It is important to be able to recognize when you are responding to facts or problems and when you are responding to feelings.

     In the last example there is a problem of proper behavior at a dinner party, and there is a feeling of anxiety, inadequacy, and nervousness. In the same situation, try to imagine yourself how you would feel if your friend said each of the following.

Note that one is a response to a feeling and the other is a response to a problem. 'A' is the answer.

     A friend of your says 'My daughter isn't making good grades this year and I think it's her teacher's fault'. A distinction can be made between problems posed by a statement and feeling which may be behind it. There is a problem of helping the daughter or doing something about the teacher. But there may be feelings of disappointment with the daughter or irritation or anger with the teacher. Of course problem solving is one of the important goals of interaction with other people, particularly in a work situation. One the other hand, there are times when the problem cannot be solved effectively because it is necesary to deal first with the feelings which are involved. In the case of the daughter who was not getting good grades, think of one response which is a response to the problem and a different response which is a response to the feeling. With your group, help decide on two appropriate responses.

     A good response to a feeling often refers to the feeling by name, using words like disappointment, annoyance, anger. Remember the response which you decide on in the last frame as a response to the feeling. Did the response name any feeling? If not, can you think of a response now which does name the feeling? Frequently, when people become aware of anxiety or fear in someone else, they think that to be accepting they must be reassuring by saying something like 'Everything will be alright'. Actually, reassurance may not show acceptance at all. It can show a lack of interest in a person's feeling and will often imply that his fear is unfounded and wrong. In the example where you were about to go to the dinner party, if your friend said 'Oh, I'm sure you will know what to do, don't worry about a thing', this might make you feel that he thought your fear was foolish. If you were still anxious you would probably feel that you shoud have kept it to yourself. There are times when you might feel angry or anxious when you do not really want someone to do anything about it, but you would just like to know that he is interested and that you can share your feelings with him. Showing acceptance does not mean that you have to do something about it or change the feelings.

     Suppose someone you worked with says 'I don't think you should take the Labor Day weekend trip you planned, traffic is really terrible'. What is the feeling that might lie behind this statement. A feeling of jealousy, concern for your safety. If you sense that he was worried about your safety, you might say 'There is nothing to worry about, I'm sure I'll get back alright'. This would be an attempt to reassure him. Does it show acceptance of his feelings? Discuss this. What might be a better response?

     Two kinds of responses which are often made with the kindest intention but which nonetheless can sometimes have the affect of cutting off or discouraging the expression of feeling are hasty advice and glib reassurance. We have indicated that reassurance and advice can be given in ways which do not show acceptance of feelings. Of course, they can also be given in ways that do show acceptance. As you continue through this course, you will become more aware of the difference and will be able to recognize when you are using these in one way or the other.

     Just as reassurance and advice can be used in ways that do not show acceptance, the same thing is true of agreement, particularly vigorous agreement.  Suppose you are talking to someone on the street and you start to tell him about your annoyance about speeding cars near your home and your fear for your children. You get the first comment out and he jumps in with 'You're so right, everybody drives too fast these days, you're absolutely 100% correct'. This may leave you with the feeling that there is nothing more to say, and thus have the affect of discouragng, cutting off, or stopping your expression of feeling. To show how some of these things work we wil have a role playing exercise. You will be given a script with an open end. That is, when you get to the end of the scripts, you are to continue for a few minutes, making up in your own mind the parts as you go along. Try to play the parts as realistically as possible. In this situation one of you will play the part of a man who is upset because a telephone company has delayed for a week in putting a new telephone in his home. The person in the role play will give reassurance and strong agreement in every opportunity. Decide who will play each part and then take a minute to think about how you will act. Then the two players will sit together and read the script on the next frame, continuing on their own for a while when the written script ends.

Script: Man: Hi, how are you?
Friend: Fine, how are you?
Man: Boy, did you ever try to get a telephone installed?
Friend: Sure.
Man: It's been a week since I asked for an extension in my house and they haven't been there yet.
Freind: Oh yeah? Those guys are the slowest things going.
Man: It really makes me mad, that when you want something they should be able to do it in a day, they make you wait until they get good and ready.
Friend: I'll say. They really take their time about everything. ....Make up you own part from here on.

      Take a minute then for the group to discuss how the conversation went. Did the man really get a chance to express his feelings? We will now go through the same situation again, accept that this time the friend will try not to give reassurance or strong agreement, but instead will try to show the genuine awareness of the others feelings. A good way to show awareness of feelings is to refer to them by name, using words like disappointment, anger, irritation. Select two new players and let them think about their roles for a minute. Then go on to the next frame.

Man: Hi, how are you?
Friend: Ok, how are you?
Man: Boy, did you ever try to get a phone installed?
Friend: Sure.
Man: It's been a week since I asked for an extension in my house and they haven't been there yet.
Friend: Oh.
Man: It really makes me mad, that when you really want something they should be able to do, they make you wait until they get good and ready.
Friend: Is it really that agravating? .....Make up your own part from here on.

      Now take several minutes to discuss these two conversations and to compare. Did the kind of response his friend offered make a difference in the man's expression of feelings, a difference in how well they understood each other.

     Relationships between people involve communication of many kinds including exchange of information, problem solving, decision making, and so forth. Difficulty in communication and interpersonal relations are often connected with the failure to deal with feelings in a constructive way. Between now and the next session we would like you to try an experiment to illustrate how people usually respond to expressions of feeling. This is to illustrate only, and is not to suggest a way of expressing yourself. The experiment will be described in the next frame. Sometimes, when you are with a few people who are not familiar with this program, tell them that you want to try an experiment, then say something like "I have to give a report in an important meeting tomorrow and I'm a little anxious about it." Then see what they say in response to you expression of feeling. After they are through, tell them what you were doing if you wish. Read this frame again and discuss it with each other to be sure you understand what you are doing. The most important part of the experiment is to say that you are feeling anxious, nervous. Try the experiment several times if you have the opportunity, and the next session you will be asked to discuss your experience in your group. This is the end of the second session.

This is the third session.

     At the end of the second session, we asked you to try an experiment in which you told some people of your anxiety about going to a meeting. If you tried it, take a few minutes now to discuss what happened with each other. Did anyone give advice, reassurance, or vigorous agreement? Did anyone show acceptance of feeling of nervousness or anxiety you expressed?

     As you learned in previous sessions, it is important to learn to show acceptance of another person's feelings, but it is also important to learn to respect, then accept, your own feelings.

     The following role-playing exercise is different from the other in that there are no scripts. You will make up your own parts as you go along. The situation will be given on the next frame. There are two friends. One has a car and has agreed to meet the other after some shopping to take him home. The friend without a car has been waiting for forty minutes when the driver finally arrives. Take a few minutes to decide which of you will play which part, make up where the friend was waiting and other details of the situation, then go ahead and act out the part for two or three minutes. Try to live the part as vividly as you can.

     Now take a minute to discuss the feelings which each of you would have had if you were actually in this situation. Did you experience these feelings as you played the part? Were you fully aware of your own feeling as well as those of the other player? When you showed acceptance of someone's feelings, it helps him to accept them himself. Similarly, if someone show acceptance of your feelings, it will help you to accept them yourself. Acceptance of your own feeling, which is an essential part of self-respect, is not always easy to attain.

     We have pointed out that the first step in showing acceptance of the feelings of others is to gain awareness of them. In the same way, gaining awareness of your own feeling can be a step into increased self acceptance and self respect. One of the things that you can do to gain greater awareness of your own and your partners feelings is to cultivate the habit of focusing on them. When you focus on something, you turn your attention to it. This usually means that you are turning your attention away from other things at the time. For example: you can become more aware of your breathing if you stop to focus on it.

     Take a few minutes to try this. Try to put everything else out of your mind and focus entirely on your breathing. Did you become more aware of your breathing? Of course. If you had just finished running a race you'd probably become aware of your breathing without even trying, but most of the time breathing goes un-noticed unless you consciously turn your attention to it. Similarly, no special effort is required for awareness of strong feelings, but the milder and more subtle experiences may be entirely un-noticed. Your sensitivity to these can be increased by cultivating the habit of focusing on feelings. Greater awareness of your own feeling can be a step toward greater self acceptance and self respect. In this connection it is important to appreciate the difference between having a feeling, expressing it, and acting on it. There are times when it would not be appropriate to act on a feeling although it would be alright to express it. At other times it might not be suitable to even express a feeling, but it is never wrong to have a feeling or to be aware of it.

     If you become more fully aware of your own feelings and begin to accept them more fully, you tend to express them to others more openly and freely. Expression of feelings plays an importand part in the growth producing relationship and in the process of gaining awareness and understanding. It contributes to the opportunity for growth by the other person and also represents perhaps the greatest compliment you can pay him.

     Let's examine the notion which we will call owning your feelings. Owning a feeling implies that you are aware that the feeling belongs to you, and that it is different from the outside events which may have provoked it. In contrast, disowning a feeling involves talking as though you were talking about something outside yourself. Some object or some other person expressing a feeling in this way

(1): tends to confuse the feeling with something else,
(2): requires that the listener infer that you have the feeling since it is not acknowledged directly
(c)[sic]: tends to turn the focus of attention away from your self and your feeling, and
(d): leaves you an opportunity to deny it if you think that someone does not like it.

    To illustrate, consider this situation:

A man is asked to do a particular job that will take a week. After two days, his boss tells him to drop the task and gives him another job, and the following day changes the assignment again. The man says, "Why do you have to be so impulsive? You don't give me a chance to show what I can do. It is bad for moral." It is easy enough to make the inference that he is annoyed and probably worried that his boss may be doubting his ability, but not that he has not owned these feelings. His feeling becomes confused with the statement about his boss and the focus of the attention is directed away from the feeling. The other person is forced to respond to the accusation and it is very unlikely that he could take an interest in the man's annoyance and anxiety.

     Suppose someone was feeling annoyed at you for clearing your throat repeatedly and finally blurted out, "You have a disgusting habit of clearing your throat all the time!" At first, this might seem to be very direct expression of his feelings, but looking at it again we may find that there is actually no reference to his feelings at all. The words, taken at face value, would seem to be a statement about you. In this case he might have owned his feelings by saying, "I feel annoyed at your clearing your throat so often." We will see that this difference is very important, even though it would be clear in either case that he was annoyed. In what way is this statement more direct?

     Discuss this in the group before checking the answer at the top of the next page. He had made it clear that he is talking about his feelings of annoyance. How would you change this statement to make it a more directly owned expression of feeling?

     "This is the kind of situation that makes a person feel uneasy." "I feel uneasy in this situation." Let us see why this distinction is important. When a negative feeling is expressed, the focus of attention may be placed on the speakers feelings or it may be placed on an accusation. In which of the following is the focus on a feeling, and which is it on an accusation?

(a): You shouldn't do that. It's bothersome.
(b): I don't like it when you do that.

(a): Emphasis on accusation,
(b): emphasis on feeling.

     When someone expresses negative feelings accusingly to you, in a way that focuses solely on you and your behavior, it is difficult to respond constructively. You may want to justify your action and also make him stop having his feeling. Would you be likely to show acceptance of his feelings? Below are listed some things that you and your partners might be feeling right now. As you read these, do not try to decide whether you feel these things, just read them carefully and the go on to the next frame.

It is difficult to focus on your own and your partners feelings when at the same time you must focus on instructions and also try to carry on a conversation. For this reason, stop and take a couple of minutes without talking. Focus silently on your own and your partners present feelings. Ask yourself: What am I feeling here and now? What is my group feeling here and now? Be sure not to talk for at least a minute. Then go to the next frame.

     Now take a few moments to talk about your feelings. Tell your partners what you think they are feeling, and then tell them as much as you can about what you are feeling. It is not important whether you perceive your feelings correctly or not. The important thing is to get into the habit of stopping from time to time to think of your own and each others feelings. Take turns carrying out these instructions. Owning feelings is important not only because it helps you to gain a fuller understanding of them, also it usually has favorable psychological affects on you. This is reflected in the expressions such as "I felt good to get it off my chest."

     Having the ability to express feelings openly does not of course mean that you should do so all the time. In some situations it is wise to be cautious rather then open. In otherwords, sometimes it is best to keep your feelings to yourself. Being cautious about expressing your feelings is not the opposite of being open about them. A flexible person is a person who can be either cautious or open depending on the circumstances. Flexibiliy gives you the freedom of choice, if you are able to open when you want to be, then you can chose, decide, or judge whether or not you want to be open in a given situation. If you know how to play golf and tennis, you have a greater freedom of choice in your leisure activities than if you played golf alone. If you know how to be open about your feelings as well as how to be cautious, you have greater freedom of choice in your interpersonal relationships. If you're always cautious,you deprive yourself of opportunities to develop more meaningful and rewarding interpersonal relationships.

     This frame is a reminder that the more you discuss the frames, even when there is no specific instruction to do it, the more you will get out of this course. If you get into the habit of just passing the booklet and reading frames out loud without your own additional comments, you will be missing the best part of the course, namely, being with and hearing from other people. Because people almost always tend to be more cautious than really necesarry about expressing feelings, it s a good idea to chance now and then to express feelings openly. When you are not quite sure what the reaction will be, you may be surprised to find that people may not react to your feelings the way you would expect.

     Often, people welcome openness to find it refreshing. It enables people to feel close to one another and people cherish this feeling. This is why it is good to take a chance now and then. The result may surprise you. If you take a chance one in a while, you can learn to be more accurate in your exprectation of how people will react to your feelings. People sometimes worry that once they start being open they will not be able to be cautious when it is necesary, but this is not true. Discuss this for a moment in your group.

     An interesting situation arises when a person's feeling almost free to his own his feelings openly but not quite [sic]. Often, in such a situation, a person will express them in a toned down way. For example: "I'm uneasy," instead of saying "I'm frightened." Or he may say "I'm irritated" instead of saying "I am angry or mad." Some kinds of disowning feelings leave you escape. For example, if someone felt very uneasy but was not sure that you would show acceptance of his feelings, he might say "This is the kind of situation that might make you uneasy." In what way to does he leave him an escape? If you ridicule or ignore his feelings, he can escape by saying something like "Oh, I  didn't mean myself, I was just making a general observation."

     Expressing a feeling by accusing usually shows an attempt to justify the feeling at the same time you reveal it. Try to think of an example with the group's help. Then read the top of the next page. An example might be, anyone who is enraged by what you just did. "It was a very cruel thing to do." This protects you by focusing on the other person's action rather than on your own feelings. Now let the group think of some other examples. If you are not sure that it is safe to reveal your feelings, another way in which disowning feeling reflects your caution is that it directs the focus of attention away from your own feelings. One of the reasons people express negative feelings accusatively instead of owning them is that the accusative expression usually sounds more objective. In a sense, the accusation covers up the fact that the speakers personal feelings are involved.

     Let the group think of situations where accusing would be appropriate. When would it be inappropriate or unnecessarily cautious? When you accuse someone, the listener responds to the accusations and tends to defend himself. This is not surprising in that the listener does not accept the speakers feelings. Which of the following is an accusation, and which is owning?

(a): You're so irritating, you're just impossible to be with.
(b): Sometimes I get so irritated with you.

(a) accusation,
(b) owning.

     Of course, owning negative feelings does not guarantee that they will be accepted, but they are more likely to be accepted in a case than when such feelings are expressed by accusing. Now we want you to try the role-play exercise a second time. Once again, you will be two friends. One has a car and has agreed to meet after shopping to go home. One of you has been waiting forty minutes for the other to arrive. Assume the two people have a kind of relationship that allows them to express feelings openly. Try to live the part as vividly as you can, remembering your own feelings. Now take a minute to discuss the conversation you just had. If you made a real effort to show more open expression of feeling, the conversation may have seemed a little artificial. This is to be expected any time you try to act in a way that is not part of your own usual habit. Was the conversation artificial or spontaneous? Were feelings owned or not? How did the enactment differ from the first time at the beginning of the session? If anyone else wants to try the role, go ahead. This is the end of the third session.

Side Two:

     Mary: This is session four.

      In the previous sessions we pointed out that when people learn to accept their own feelings, they tend to express them more openly and freely to others, thus, owning feelings may contribute to the development of growth producing relationships, and to a greater appreciation of importance as an individual. We also saw that these advantages may be lost if you disown your feelings or if you express them in an accusative way. Sometimes the difference in owning your own feelings and expressing them by accusing is simply the difference between using the word 'I' or using the word 'you'.

     The person reading the next frame will read the sentence to another person in the group, and then the person should respond as quickly as possible without thinking of an answer. Just put yourself in the situation and respond automatically to the statement. Don't read this part out loud. When you have selected a person you are going to read a statement to, let the group know who it is. Then read the following statement to him and let him respond automatically to it. "You are driving so fast that anyone riding with you would be scared to death." Don't read this part out loud. You are going to do another one. Select someone else in the group and let everyone know who it is. Remind him that he is to respond quickly and automatically to the statement below. Then, when he is ready, read it to him. "I get very frightened when you drive so fast." Now lay the book aside for a minute and discuss the difference between the two responses. Was there a difference between what the first person said when he was being accused and what the second person said when he was being told someone else's feelings?

     In the next few minutes, we would like to look at the relation between owning feelings and arguing. We often think of arguing as an example of owning feelings, but actually we find that arguing provides the best example of feelings being disowned. This is typified by the person, obviously in their rage, storming "I'm not angry." Have you ever seen this happen? When the feelings are expressed by accusing, the other person is likely to respond to the accusation rather than the feeling. This often leads to an argument. For this reason, people often think that expressing any negative feeling is bound to lead to  argument.

     When an argument starts, owning feelings stops. The words center around events, authoritative statements, logical deductions and so on. But not around feelings. Argument is characterized by trying to change the other person. Owning involves letting the other person know something about yourself. Obviously there is no necesarry connection with trying to change him. There is nothing wrong with trying to change another persons opinion, but in an argument there is feelings or implications that he must change if you are going to keep liking each other. One of the most damaging things about argument is that we go to such lengths to avoid them. Denying your own feelings to hide disagreement is a big price to pay.

     Actually, you do not need to pay the price since it is possible to express negative feelings or disagreement without arguing. It is true that disagreements and negative feelings often do lead to arguments. This is particularly true if the feelings are expressed by accusing. However, the likelyhood of argument can be reduced if you do not make it sound as if you are blaming or accusing some other person, but instead making it clear that you are talking about yourself and your feelings. A friend who works at the desk near yours hs a portable radio and plays it so loud that it disturbs your work. If you say, "Joe, I'm sensitive to noise when I am working and that radio of yours is distracting to me," this would make it clear that you are takling about yourself and your feelings. In the same situation, if you said nothing to Joe but said to yourself, "He might be offended if I said anything, and anyway, I've got to get over letting little things annoy me," this would deny the importance of your feelings and therefore would be a denial of your importance value worth as a person. One of the most important purposes of this course is to help you gain a self awareness and understanding. If you believe that it is wrong for you to have certain feelings, it will be almost impossible for you to examine those feelings and to gain a full awareness of them.

     Therefore, it is important to remember that having a feeling and acting on it are two different things. It might be inappropriate to act on certain feelings, but it is never wrong to have or be aware of them. Everyone has an image of himself as a person. This is called self-concept. Thus, the way you see yourself is your self-concept. If you see yourself as a warm, loving person, then this is a part of your life's self-concept. You might also think of yourself as being irritable or nasty. This too would be a part of your self-concept. A person's self-concept is how he thinks of himself. Everyone also has an idea of a kind of person he would like to be. This is called self-ideal. Thus, the way you would most like to see yourself is your self-ideal. For example, a person's self-ideal might include his wanting to be an attractive fellow who is popular with girls. A person's self-ideal is the way he would most like to be. Everyone has a concept of himself, generally they are quite definite and fixed, although you may not realize this until you stop to think about your own self-concept and self-ideal.

     At this point, take turns trying to describe your self-concept to the group. Some pairs of adjectives are listed below to provide a starting point for your description. Each pair will suggest the opposite extremes on a range. Look this list over, thinking about yourself in relation to these characteristics. Then, take turns describing your self concept to your partners.

     Sometimes it can be helpful to know whether other people see you as being the same kind of a person you imagine yourself to be. Now take turns going around the group telling your partner whether you see them the same way they said they see themselves. Before going on the other frames, be sure that they telling each other exercise you just did is finished and sitting comfortably with everybody [sic]. If anyone was disturbed at something someone said to him, or to someone else, be sure to talk about it now. This is a time not to keep your feelings hidden or to yourself, but to own them in a group. Be sure everyone understands what was said to him and why before going on the next frame. It is important to realize that everyone has his own self-concept and self-ideal. As you come in contact with people, try to stop sometimes to ask yourself, "What is this person's concept of himself, and what is his self-ideal?"

     For example, suppose a young man has recently joined an organization you belong to. He has just quit college after finishing his second year on the advice of one of his professors. In the organization, each member is expected to share in the various kinds of work you do, but this new member seems reluctant to do certain kinds of jobs. Try to imagine what the man's self-concept and self-ideal might be. Discuss this with your partners.

     People often include things in their self-ideal which suggest that they should have less feelings. For example: They may feel that ideally they would not get angry, but would be calm and reasonable all the time. Another example would be when someone includes 'greater bravery' in his self-ideal. This suggests that he should have to show less fear and feelings. In previous sessions you have discussed the importance of self-acceptance. When asked, people often say, "Of course I accept my own feelings, that's easy," but when people have self-ideals which suggest that they should not have certain feelings, what does it indicate regarding self-acceptance? How would this affect your ability to become aware of such feelings and to own them? Discuss.

     Of course it is possible to say that you would like to be different in certain ways and still not blame yourself for being what you are. However, it is very difficult to keep these things separate, so all too often what you would like to be gets confused with what you think you should be. For example, there is a difference between wishing that you were less impulsive and feeling that you are bad because of your impulsiveness. It is possible for you to set ideals for yourself and still be self accepting. Discuss.

     The term of "self-acceptance" is a little misleading because it is often taken to mean that you are satisfied and that you are resigned to being the way you are. Actually, it means that you do not dislike yourself for being what you are. Do you understand this distinction? You might say, about someone else, "I wish that he were not so timid, but I'm willing to let him be what he is. I still like him." If you could say the same kind of thing about yourself, this would be an example of certain self-ideals, and still being self-accepting. A viscious circle is created when you dislike yourself for being what you are. This tends to create a feeling of worthlessness, which tends to prevent you from growing as a person.

     As a surprising other side of this, people often make the greatest strides in personal growth just when they begin [to accept] themselves just the way they are. Discuss this with your group. Does it make sense to you? The self-ideal can be understood more fully.

     Two basic kinds of human motivation are examined. The first kind is associated with survival. For example, we must eat, drink, breath, and find shelter in order to stay alive. As a result of man's becoming more and more civilized, this kind of motivation has become generalized to include preserving not only life itself but also a particular way of life. This kind of motivation is primarily protective and is directed toward preventing and avoiding any harm to, or destruction of, our personal world. This particular type of human motivation, which we call the motivation of self-preservation, is directed toward preserving and protecting our selves both in the physical and the more general sense. The second basic kind of human motivation is called the motivation for self-actualization. This kind of motivation is seen in a creative impulses [sic] of the individual and in his whims and dreams. The motivation goes beyond simple preserving and protecting and keeping what we have. The word 'actual' comes from the word 'act', and it means existing in action or reality. Thus, self-actualization literally means 'bringing the self into real existence by bringing it into action'.

     Self-actualization motives include such things as your dreams and aspiration[s]. Things you want to do or become in order to gratify you[r] personal need for a meaningful existence. Self-actualization should not be confused with gaining recognition in the eyes of other people. It is a more personal thing which leads to a greater appreciation in your own eyes of your own significance as a unique individual.

     Now we can distinguish between two parts of self-ideal that are associated with these two basic kinds of motivation. There are some things that we want to be and to do because they are necesarry for getting along in the world in accordance with our chosen way of life. This part of self-ideal might include such things as being thrifty and courteous. The basic motivation of this part of self-ideal is self-preservation. There are other things we would like to be and to do, but not because they are necessary. This part of the self-ideal might include such things as wanting to create great art or to make brilliant conversation or simply wanting a more meaningful and fulfilling life. The basic motivation of this part of self-ideal is self-actualization.

     All too often, people devote a great deal of time and energy to their self-preservation ideals, but neglect their self-actualizing ideals. Some of our self-actualizing ideals can be seen in what we sometimes call secret ambitions. The very fact that they are kept secret suggests that we are almost ashamed of them. Since it is largely the motivation for self-actualization that makes each person a unique and important individual, hiding these kinds of ambition may reflect a low estimate of self as a person. When we think about our own self-actualization, we are inclined to think about specific actions that we have taken or might take regarding, for example, our careers, or other careers that we might have pursued, or to our hobbies, geographical location. This is consistent with our general tendency to stick with things that are concrete and objective, objects.

     Actually, there is an even more important aspect of self-actualization, which is something much harder to define. This would be our motivation for a more meaninful and fulfilling life and our wish to be closer to others and to share ourselves with them. Probably the best way for most of us to achieve greater self-actualization is through interpersonal relationships. What we do, in thinking about self actualization, is similar to what we do in response to feeling. There is a strong tendency to turn our attention toward facts and concrete matters, hence we tend to overlook the personal and interpersonal opportunities for self-actualization. The self-preservation ideals are likely to be the things that most want others to see in us. For example, it may be part of my self-ideal to be very tolerant. If you feel that this is necessary to get along with other people, this is a kind of a thing you would want other people, someone else, to see in you. Take a few minutes to talk about your self-ideals. What are some of the things you would most like others to see in you? What are some of your secret ambitions or dreams? Ideally, what would you like to get out of life?

     Each person has his own self-concept and his own self-ideal. The fact that people are different in this respect and in other respects should not interfere with the relationship between them. In the good relationship, people can see things from different points of view, and from different opinions, and this does not have to lead to argument or to interference with relationship. An important part of personal growth is gaining more awareness and understanding of your own feeling. Could you gain self-understanding in a relationship where you felt a need to keep most of your feelings hidden? During most of the normal day, there are probably very few when you feel it is safe to own feelings openly [sic]. As a result of this, you usually don't have a chance to become fully aware of your feelings or to understand them. One of the main goals of this program is to provide a setting in which you can feel more open about your own feelings and can thereby gain a self-awareness and self-understanding.

     Naturally, this setting cannot exist without the cooperation of you and the others, the groups, and your partners. The affects of this program are limited to your relationship with a group. If you are successful in helping each other gain increased awareness and understanding of each other's feelings, this will be helpful to you in all your interpersonal dealings, interactions with other people. Through the experience you gain here, you may find that there are more times when it is safe to own, express your feelings than you thought. During the interval between now and the next session, be on the alert for opportunities to examine what occurs during the argument. Watch whether characteristics we have mentioned here, trying to change the other person's viewpoint, a tendency to disown feelings and to state them in terms which sound objective, and so on. Also look for things people do to avoid arguments such as denying their own feelings. Be prepared to discuss you observations in the next session. This is the end of the fourth session.

The next is the fifth and last session of basic interpersonal relations.

     Did you find an occasion when you could observe some of the characteristics of argument, or the things people do to avoid argument, such as denying their own feelings? Discuss this.

     Much of the time when you have been asked to talk you were attempting to gain understanding of various concepts or principles. This means that you have been focusing mainly on these ideas and on the program. For example: in the previous session you told the group something about your self-concept. Your attention may have been on what a self-concept is, and on other ideas present in the program. At this time, why don't you take five minutes to talk with each other, this time not concerning yourself with specific concepts or principles, but really attempting to focus on your own feelings. Try to respond to the feelings that lie behind the things your partner says. What you talk about is not important, you may even want to sit for a while without talking. In this conversation you may have still talked to some extent about concepts, opinions, ideas, facts, or perhaps about other people and past experiences. Look again at what you talked about and try to imagine what your partners were feeling at the moment you talked about it. Ask yourself: "What was I feeling." Discuss this in the group.

     In the preceding frames you were asked to do something which is very difficult for many people. If you felt some tension or anxiety or if you were not able to focus on feelings of more than a moment, you should know that this is quite common. You may have made some mistakes when you tried to become aware of other people's feelings. One reason for this is the complexity of feelings, the fact that we rarely experience only one clear feeling at a time. In a given situation you might be aware of only one feeling, but you are usually experiencing several or many feelings.

     For example, if you find yourself with so many appointments you were not sure you could meet them all, you might feel both anxious and angry and annoyed and challenged. Sometimes the feeling you experience together seem to be opposed, or in conflict with each other. For example, when a runaway child comes home, his parent might feel both angry and relief, love for the child and happiness. It is difficult to be aware of more than one feeling at a time, particularly if you are experiencing feelings which seem to be opposite or contradictory to one another. Logical conclusions can be contradictory. That is, believing one conclusion may rule out believing another. But with feeling it is difficult, having one feeling does not rule out having another, even though they may seem to be opposed.

     There is one case in particular where people may experience two feelings at the same time. This is a case in which someone has the feeling and also feels concerned about another person's reaction to this feeling. For example: A boy who feels very affectionate toward a girl may also feel anxious, uneasy about how she will react to this. If someone thinks that his boss has been unfair to him, he might feel angry at the boss and also feel anxious and fearful about what might happen if he shows his feelings. When someone expresses a negative feeling by accusing, this usually indicated that in addition to the negative feeling involved, there is also some feeling which makes him reluctant to own it. Think of an example where this would be true. What are the feelings involved? Naturally, there are some situations where it is not safe to express negative feelings at all. You are the best judge of these situations, and we are not advocating that you start being open about your negative feelings at all times. However, there are also some situations in which you can express negative feelings or may even have to. In such situations, the results are most likely to be favorable if you express the feelings by owning them instead of by accusing.

     When you are learning something, to apply first to the particular situation where you learn it. Of course you meet here, you have a special kind of situation, being with people who have gone through the course with you [sic]. You cannot assume that the things you learn will carry over immediately to other situations. Thus, you may not be able to respond to just the same way elsewhere, even if you wanted to [sic].

In this course you have dealt with the conditions which led to change and growth. But we have said little about the process through which this occurs. At this point we would like to describe some aspects of this process. We can think of the process of personal change as occuring in four steps or stages, gaining information or factual knowledge about the idea or concept is the first step in this process. The second step is gaining an overall intellectual understanding of the concept, in other words, learning how it is related to other things you have learned and how to apply it in everyday life. The first two steps, gaining knowledge about the concept and gaining overall understanding of it, are primarily intellectual. The result of going through them is that you can talk about the new idea and answer questions about it. Sometimes you are able to do something differently by telling yourself to do it. But for the most part there is only an intellectual change. You could gain information about an idea and overall understanding of it by studying alone. However, because these two steps are primarily intellectual, this would produce little change in your behavior when you are with other people.

     The third step occurs when you find yourself actually doing or experiencing something new. Without having to tell yourself to do it, this may occur for only a moment and only at various irregular intervals. By its very nature, the third step is not something you can do alone, nor is it something you can do by a deliberate decision, since it involves doing something differently by experiencing something new without thinking about it beforehand.

    In the fourth step the new pattern has become a regular habits and in a very real way part of you. You respond in the new way automatically, without having to stop and think about it whenever the occasion arises, which makes it appropriate. However, no matter how consistent the new experience, the new way of being with people has become, there will be times when you will revert to your old habits, ways, and self. At such times, it may seem that the entire change has been undone or that it was never really real in the first place. Actually, these occurences are a part of an ongoing process. New learning and experiences may leave you at times, but the affect will probably never be lost or erased, permanently or completely. Learning does not always occur exactly according to the four steps that we have described. This is merely a typical way that learning occurs with a program such as this one. The first step in the process of personal change is gaining knowledge and information about a new concept and getting the overall intellectual understanding of the concept. The last two steps of this process are sometimes refered to as internalization. Internalizing the concept. This means actually doing or experiencing or feeling something new without thinking about it, and making this a part of your regular habits, life, interpersonal relations. The word internal means inside, so the literal meaning of internalizing a concept is taking it inside yourself. Internalizing a concept is a gradual process which will occur by itself if you let it. There is no way to make yourself internalize a concept because these two last steps go beyond intellectual learning.

     Of course, you can help the process along by reminding yourself of the concept and trying to apply it. While personal change often occurs in these four steps, it would be a serious mistake to think that the steps can be completely separate, or to think that you can simply master one step and then move on to the next. In practice, focusing too intently on one step can actually interfere with going to the next. For example, you may know people who are so intent on getting all the facts about something that it sometimes interferes with their getting an overall understanding of the concept. It is especially important to recognize that one can become so intent.