Where I am now and where I was one year ago are lands thousands upon thousands of miles away from each other. I used to believe in a symmetrical, cause and effect world where the end result was always death, just death. Wars, love, people; everything was the same story with a different script. Not anymore, though; now I see much more splendor and mystery in life. My realization of how beautiful the world is began this year, during my freshman year of college. I entered an environment of growth, where, for the first time in my life, I was not put down for making my own decisions. Also, I have started to see a light; a light that showed me how intertwined I was with the people around me (and even the people not around me). I have begun to uncover a wonderful new reality, in which I am in control of what I feel and what I see.
The main reason I am in so much awe over this new light has an explanation that starts with my childhood. My father raised me to be an individualist. It’s actually quite funny, sometimes, when I allow my mind to wander, I can still hear his booming Russian voice say: “Olga, you remember, money is power, fuck love; the only way to get anything in this world is to take it for yourself”. I know he meant well, he just wanted his little girl to be happy; the problem was that in his world, money and happiness was basically the same thing. This did not ring so true for me. For awhile, I allowed myself to believe that he was right, like any child is inclined to trust their father. What I began to notice as I matured, though, was that it was never when my parents gave me money that I was happy, but only when I got their love and attention. I remember one particular day when I was twelve years old, when I became certain I did not feel the same he did about money. My dad was yelling at me about something trivial, so I went downstairs into my room, collected the money he had given me during the week and offered to give it back to him if he would just stop yelling.
What my father taught me still has an emotional effect on what I do today, but as I become more aware of what it is that he has he taught me, his lessons slowly begin to dissipate. Right now, what I am experiencing at school and what he has said to me throughout my life are conflicting with one another. I realize that what he passively gave to me were dysfunctional beliefs; ones in which if I were to keep would inhibit me from spiritual growth. So even though, I love my dad very much I need to let go what he has taught me.
I believe that people are naturally harmonious and only when they have dysfunctional beliefs in their lives do they lose this harmony. My goal now is to discover all of the hindering beliefs that I have and work past them. Just within the last couple of weeks, I have discovered that the quality of my life has a direct correlation with what I am choosing to pay attention to. I have begun to see much more good in people because I have made the conscious choice to pay attention to it. I am in love with my new rose-colored glasses and do not see the harm of wearing them; they make me happy and they make the people around me happy.
I am enjoying the new world that is unfolding around me. I am truly happy as an individual, for the first time in my life. Knowing that I am not alone in this world and that what I do and say makes such a significant difference gives me great hopes towards my future. Believing in love, instead of money as the true root of happiness has opened me to so many new avenues, all of which I am very eager to travel. Never again will I believe that life is bland and boring.
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