For me, there are two types of beliefs, ones that I recognize consciously and those that operate unconsciously, that I can only recognize by watching my actions and thoughts. The beliefs I recognize consciously are the ones that I would share if I were asked about my beliefs and had time to formulate the answer that I would want to present. The unconscious beliefs are sometimes much less appropriate, correct, or healthy. For example I recognize the fact that all humans beings are of equal worth and no one is inherently a better person than any other, yet in my own life, I tend to categorize people by how much I like them, giving people that I get along with more worth than those that I don’t like as much. This unconscious belief is one that I am not proud of, and have only recently noticed. Even more importantly, I have recently discovered that, when I am in the wrong mindset, this belief even pertains to myself. When I am feeling especially insecure, I place other people’s worth above my own to the point that I feel I have little to no worth.

When this belief, or mindset, takes hold of me, I can get very caught up in my own thoughts and fears. I sometimes can feel that I don’t know how to relate to other people, or that everyone has some sort of understanding of social rules that I don’t have, and that they all know that I am socially awkward and they feel they are socially superior to me. I can get so caught up in these negative thoughts that I forget how good my life is, how fortunate I am to have a roof over my head, clean water, a place to sleep, and access to education.

This belief is not one that I consciously hold in my mind. If you asked me if I felt like I am inferior to everyone else, I would answer, “of course not”. I can recognize my own worth, and feel proud of my accomplishments, and comfortable with myself and my life. I can recognize that it is an untrue belief, and that it isn’t logical, but I can still catch myself thinking and acting in a way that only happens when my unconscious insecurities come out.

I believe these self-depreciating thoughts stemmed from my life during middle school. I had few friends, and because my class was so small, the majority banded together and established themselves as “superior” to other kids in the class. During some of my most active formative years, when my brain was maturing at the rate it did when I was a baby, I was taught that, for a reason that I couldn’t understand, I was not worthy of the majority of my classmate’s friendship. This is something that I have later come to realize was just the actions of scared adolescents who wanted to single someone out before they were the ones singled out, and I became friends with a large number of the people that were so mean-spirited when I was younger.

This belief was one that I never really realized I had until I started noticing how I sometimes act or think in some social situations. I began realizing that this belief is still in my unconscious, and that now that I consciously realize its presence, I can shift my mentality towards it. These types of thoughts aren’t useful and can be harmful. The less I spend energy with thoughts that reflect this belief, the sooner the belief will fade.

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