Forgiveness Activity

I find it easier to forgive other people than myself. I am way harder on myself than I ever would be on anyone else. At the risk of sounding like an egomaniac, I decided to do this activity with my biggest ally and my worst foe in all of life, the one who definitely has caused me more heartache than anyone else but who has also given me more joy than anyone else. Myself. This is very personal, but I’ve decided to post it on the off chance it might help someone else. I’ve never really been very private anyway, and I know all my lumps and bumps are pretty standard. I'm not that special except in my own mind! So here goes, a dialog of forgiveness between my Self and my self. The small self is my nemesis who tries to psych me out from time to time. The big Self is my real self, or my higher Self, and she is the one writing the letter.

Sometimes you say really mean things to me and it seems like you are trying to convince me that I am not a lovable person or that the paths I’ve chosen in life have been a series of wrong turns. Yet we both know, I will never be a Betsy (my word for a consistently nice woman who is a wife and mother and not ill-behaved or ill-mannered). It’s just not in my nature. That doesn’t make me less than other women, it just makes me non-traditional and highly independent, and that independence has caused me to have a wealth of experiences I probably wouldn’t have had if I’d chosen more traditional paths. You know that joke about slamming into heaven all banged up and exhilarated from a wild ride? That’s me, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Besides, there are enough children on the planet. We really don’t need any more. I’ll be auntie to Rob and Michelle’s kids instead, so they can rekindle their romance by having some time alone together while I babysit. I’ve had a rich life. If it ends tomorrow, I have no regrets, and that’s a pretty luxurious place to be. I’ve helped some people, I’ve inspired some people, I’ve had a lot of fun, and I’ve always known I am loved even when you try to convince me otherwise. I am blessed to have the mother that I have, and to have had many meaningful relationships built on genuine connection and open-heartedness. Dad used to say a person was lucky to have one or two true friends in their life. I've had many, and at any given time I've got at least one or two! That’s a good life in my book!

The only person who thinks I’m not lovable is you, and I know this is because you don’t want me to get hurt so you try to keep me from having an open heart. But a life fully lived is one that includes being hurt, and it’s usually just my ego that takes the hit. Trust me, my ego can afford it. It’s not nearly as fragile as it would have you believe. I like loving people. I like being loved by other people. I like feeling my heart open, even when it sometimes closes a little to contemplate my experiences. I know it will open again, like the California poppies that close each night when the sun goes down only to open again when the sun comes back up. This is just the rhythm of life, and nothing is permanent. Neither the joy nor the sorrow.

I know we’ve broken people’s hearts together, and I know we’ve had our heart broken, but that’s what makes life what it is. Life is not safe, and no one gets out alive. I’ve never really like clichés, but it’s true that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Some of the people whose hearts we’ve broken won’t talk to us anymore, but most of our lovers are still friends and a lot of them have become really good friends. The best. Have we ever stopped loving someone once love is in our heart? I don't think so. An imprint is always left behind, and this is a good thing. It makes the world a better place.

It feels good to be forgiven, so I am forgiving you now for all the mean things you’ve said, for all the negative thoughts you’ve thought, and for all the jealous feelings you’ve felt. I know you’ve done your best, and this is what it looks like. It’s harder to move from good to better than from bad to good. Better looks different. We have to always remember that.

When you feel frightened and want me to close my heart, I promise to forgive you. I will listen, because sometimes you’re right, but not all the time. When you try to judge me because of the choices I’ve made in life, I promise to reassure you that they have been the right choices for us, in this lifetime. We have been through so much together and we have so much to be grateful for! Every little bit of it was necessary, and besides, the past no longer exists and the future isn’t here yet. Let’s just enjoy our moments as best we can and know that we will still argue from time to time, but we are on the same side and it’s all good. I love you even when you don’t love me and I understand that it is your hurt talking, and not my wisdom. But between us, I think we make a pretty good team.