What I’m about to share is somewhat personal, but it’s what I have been processing for the past week or so, so I thought I would take chance and be authentic.

Recently I have rekindled a relationship with a girl named Eli who I had been seeing at the beginning of the year.  Though we have a really wonderful connection together the status of our relationship has always been somewhat undefined.  Anyhow, last week Eli broke her clavicle (collar bone) doing handstands on the green and three days later had to get corrective surgery.

To get straight to the heart of the matter, this accident was a temporary but acute stressor on the dynamics of our relationship; Suddenly, she’s in a sling (they can’t cast it), dosed up on heavy painkillers, yet still in intense pain. Loads of friends are coming out of the woodworks to show support for her—she’s extremely well loved and popular.  While this event was clearly much more devastating for her than it was for me, it put me in an awkward situation.  We aren’t formally boyfriend and girlfriend and so while I instinctually have the urge to jump in and run the show, it’s not really my place to do so. Besides, I personally loathe the overbearing boyfriend archetype anyways.

So, here I am, hoping that I would get the signal that she really wants me and needs me around.  However, in the midst of this overwhelm, all of the affection and intimacy that had been building between us up to this point was vanishing silently right before my eyes.  Every time I would be over, she would be surrounded friends (lots of guys) seemingly enjoying herself, making little attempt to reach out to me.  The effect of which is that I feel like outcast in a Ben Stiller ‘Meet the Parents’ sort of way.

My response to all of this was to step back from the situation a bit a give her some space (of course secretly hoping that she would extricate herself from her throng of fans, knock on my door a and say something to the effect of,

The result of this scenario was that I felt jealous of all of her attention and frustrated because she wasn’t extricating herself the crowd to steal away and be with me.

Quickly, “nobody cares about me” pity storyline took the driver’s seat in my head, and I found myself mentally criticizing her for not showing concern or being in tune with my needs. 

Having explained the context, here is where the forgiveness aspect came into play.  After a few days of playing it “cool” I realized that the nature of my thoughts were very petty in their flavor.  I grounded myself in the reality that despite being surrounded by friends and acting seemingly indifferent to me, she was in a considerable amount of pain, had to undergo the stress of surgery with a projected six weeks of recovery.

In thinking about the overwhelming nature of these circumstances, I realized that she wasn’t neglecting me out of spite.  Though I do sometimes feel that she could reach out more in conveying affection, it became clear that this was neither the time nor the context to hash that conversation out.  

Reflecting on all of this, I put aside my other errands and concerns (Homework) for the next day and did my best to be there for her without expecting something back.  The result of this action was very healing for both of us and got us back to the open and easy place that we were before the accident.

In reflecting on this situation, I realize that I also need to forgive myself.  By nature I am a very sensitive person—especially when it comes to the nuances of relationship.  A lot of times this leads me to beat up on myself for not being tougher and more stoic with these types of adversities.  However, I want to acknowledge and honor that sensitivity and vulnerability in me.  Though I can sometimes be carried away by it, for the most part it has really served me in connecting with others.  Also, I want to acknowledge the fact that that week was very tough for me as well; I ended up quitting my job because of very unpleasant work situation.

In reflecting on my process I realize that it’s mostly petty things that I hold onto.  Seeing clearly this behavior pattern I have the conscious intention to be more proactive in letting go of ill will.  Protecting the ego in this way never serves anybody.