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“My Gender Is for Mothers”

(My gender is for mothers)

My mother refuses my gender in 2 different languages
I cannot comprehend the weight of both
So when I first tell you, “I love you”
It will be the first time I can tell someone in a way that is understood

My mother was born in a U.S. Naval base in the Philippines
She has grown up with
Old bruises,
Little wars and defeats that cannot be drowned across oceans,
I understand that to survive
She cannot keep losing
So everyday, I let my mother refuse my beauty in
Two different languages
And I understand both

So when you lay beside me and whisper,
“You are beautiful”
Letting my brown skin blend into the cradle of your arm around me
And the shoreline of my waist washes into the fit of your other palm
My sobs will soak your forearm salty with my shame
How dare I give you this
And take myself away from my own mother
She gave me everything
She has burned so much of what she was meant to become
Trying to keep me safe

So when I learn of bruises from your past lover
That stay clinging to the places I will catch you
Sometimes with my hands
Open and gentle
When the world wants my body to only learn fists
And for yours to apologize for
Long hair and thick hips
My masculinity is for unlearning
All of the violence taught to my gender
I will honor the women whom we are taught are
“Too difficult” to love

This masculinity is for my mother
And she doesn’t even know
Between you and her
I am choosing whose heart to break

“With the body I have”
And the gender she thinks I don’t
My short hair and contradicting breasts
I just want to be good
I just want to be good
I wanna tell her that on the days I feel like my body will never let me
Sometimes I wanna give myself back to her

So when you tell me that you love me,
Remind me that the best thing that anyone’s ever said to me was that
I am “whom every mother would want their daughter to date”

When you remember that
This world was built against this gender on this body
And that the odds are against love and safety
I will trace the big dipper onto the soft canvas of your back
Watch constellations wrinkle gravity at the brimming outstretch of your smile
Catch curves folding under covers with my earthbound hands
And crumple the sky’s hemline to custom-fit your palms
When this world will not fit our safety
I will give you the universe with my fingertips
And the most gentle bends of my body

This is all I have to give
When gender is imperfect
When I wish they would let us love perfect
I will love you with all my gender

Bio – Nicole Masangkay is a genderqueer, Filipin@ American poet and student organizer, currently in Seattle