Interdisciplinary Psychology:

    When confronted with this assignment I was very confused as to where to start and who to forgive. I realized that I have tendency to just “lose touch” with people when they upset me instead of actually confronting them and telling them the problems that I’ve been having with our relationship. I’m an avoider, big time. I let things build up to a point where I’m just too frustrated to even consider talking to the person who I feel has offended me.
     I eventually chose to “forgive” someone who I had dated for three years and lived with for two because it seemed to be the easiest of the bunch . When I had left New York four years ago to relocate to Seattle, I had hoped he would come with me, but our relationship was waning and he decided to stay in New York. We remained close friends for a while once I arrived in Seattle, talking on the phone at least once a week. He even came out to visit after I had been here for a year. But underneath the friendly exterior, I was still pretty angry at him for being able to decide so readily to end our relationship and stay in NY. I was even angrier that he had made some of the changes in his life that I had wanted to see when we were together.
    This exercise made me realize quite a few things about this particular situation. I was able to recall that I was his first serious girlfriend and real relationship. I had been lucky enough to had been in a wonderful relationship when I was in my teens/early twenties but not many people could say the same. I remembered breaking up with my first boyfriend because I wanted to date other people and could not so easily commit to someone at such a young age. Despite the fact that Joe (not his real name) was already in his thirties, he had yet to “sow his wild oats” so to speak. I also realized that this took place right after my father died and I was desiring tremendous change in my life. Joe was content in NY and had never wanted to leave as badly as I did. He liked being near his family and had a much greater love for the city than I. For numerous reasons, our relationship had been deteriorating. Would I have moved if the situation were reversed? Probably not.
    I was then able to recall a time when I had been forgiven and how great I had felt. I had broken up with my high school boyfriend, Andy, in college because I wanted to date other guys while we were apart. I quickly realized what a mistake I had made and the next summer, got in touch with him and literally begged for his forgiveness. He readily took me back and rarely reminded me of the incident. I remember feeling redeemed and thankful. I had been so sad and remorseful but all it took was his forgiveness to make everything all right again.

    I don’t feel that my forgiving Joe will have the same effect. In fact, I’m not sure if he even knows that I still holding resentful feelings towards him. However, I do think that by following these exercises I have gotten in touch with some more plausible explanations for why he behaved the way he did. He was not expressly trying to hurt me. He was doing what he thought he needed to do for himself which is all we can do. Maybe we can have a conversation about this if we talk in the future but even if we don’t, I know that I will fell less burdened for having been able to let go of my resentment and finally being able to forgive.