I always knew I was different from other kids. By 6th grade I knew I was interested in girls. But I thought people who thought this way were sick, so I never acted on my feelings. I was a skateboarder, I surfed, and I was a big tomboy. Most of my friends were guys because that’s who I could relate to. I didn’t dress up or wear makeup or all that kind of stuff, which caused me to be teased a lot. In high school, the teasing got so bad that I was on the edge of suicide because of the bullying. At the time, I was working at McDonalds and had become friends with this girl, Sara. She told me, “You should just transfer from Hoquiam to Aberdeen High.” So I finally got my mom to let me transfer to Aberdeen. It was a bigger school – not by much, but bigger. I made a lot of friends and started feeling like I was fitting in, so that was good.

     My senior year I got really sick, with a thyroid disorder. I weighed 82 pounds, so I was really skinny. On March 13th 1994, I was walking to the soccer field to play soccer with some kids on a Sunday afternoon. My best friend, Sara, and I were holding hands and we were singing a song by Beck, called Looser. Some people drove by in a truck and screamed out things at us. One called me a dyke and said she needed to get herself a better boyfriend. We flipped them off because we were offended by it. They came back around the corner. I was crossing one of the main streets in Aberdeen and I didn’t know it, but somebody was coming up behind me. One of the guys ran and jumped on my back and when we fell to the ground, it broke my left wrist, elbow, and clavicle. And then he proceeded to beat my head into the ground as well as all my ribs. I ended up in the hospital, then at home for a month. I was devastated. I was afraid to leave my house. I didn’t want to see anyone. I jumped every time somebody came to the door. A big piece of my safety and security had been taken away. I decided then that no one would ever know I was gay. I would never come out to anybody because I felt so unsafe here on the Harbor. I feel like the Harbor has always been 20 years behind everyone else. I hate to say this, but people here kind of have, and I hate to say it, a “redneck mentality.” This is a logging town and it’s run by good ‘ole boys and people here don’t want change. So I became closeted.

     Eventually, I had to go back to school so I dropped my classes down to the three I needed, finished those, and graduated on time. Ten days after graduation, I got hit by a drunk driver in Portland. They had been giving me pain pills for the attack in Aberdeen and now more for this accident. I became pretty addicted to them. So I suffered for a while trying to get over pain pills, then I moved onto other drugs. I started smoking weed, and getting into that lifestyle. Shortly after that, I decided to take off with a guy I was dating and we hitchhiked to Vermont. We stayed there for about a month, and after a few too many bad acid trips, I took a Greyhound back.

     When I got back to Aberdeen, I had decided to stop doing drugs. I figured when I couldn’t remember how to tie my shoes or remember my parents’ address and things like that, it was time to quit, so I did. I started dating a guy I went to high school with and got pregnant. I thought I needed to do the right thing and get married. I didn’t want to, but I also didn’t want this little life that was growing inside of me to have a life like I did without two parents. So I got married just because I was pregnant, which was very hard. Two years later, I had my daughter. I made this sacrifice for my kids. Honestly, married life sucked! I felt like I was only dating him so somebody cared about me. But I thought, well I’ve hid my sexuality this long, I can hide it some more. We had what I liked to call a roommate marriage. I worked night shift and on weekends and he worked during the day so we barely ever saw each other. It worked for the two of us. It’s just how I survived.

     When my kids were in preschool, I realized I had these two little kids and I needed to be their voice. I was very shy, but I got on the school board and helped make sure things ran smoothly. That’s where my advocating really started. One night I went to a financial aid night and the people from Grays Harbor College were there talking about how you could get financial aid to go to school. I decided that’s what I wanted to do. So I filled out all the paper work. My ex-husband was very against me going to school. But I did what I had to do to make it happen. I worked two jobs, went to school full-time and took care of my kids. I got involved with student government and the human services club.

     When I first came to campus, the Gay Straight Alliance Club was just getting started. I had never really been exposed to people who were gay. I mean, knew a few people, but I was really still in denial. And I was struggling with God and being gay. Well anyway, it all led me to be at college. One day, the GSA was being voted down by, for lack of better terms, some evangelical Christian students on student government. I thought this was wrong, so I went to the meeting and took a bunch of notes. Actually, the person starting the club thought I was there for a Christian newspaper because I was wearing a cross. When it came time for me to speak, I stood up and went on this really long rant about the Bible and how these council members are supposed to be abstaining from voting. So that was kind of a foot in the door. I started getting involved with the club more. There were a few students who were open and a few who weren’t. So being able to be around people and being able to normalize it was a big thing for me. Meeting people in this completely OK environment was just mind-blowing to me. I began seeking out people to be around that were queer so I could feel more comfortable in my skin.

     I decided to finally come out, and this is just how it was going to be. I was taking a class at Evergreen called “The Authentic Life.” I was very unhappy in my marriage and we had separated, and now here I am trying to tell my kids to live their authentic life when I’m not living mine. I had began to fall for someone and it made me realize maybe I can do this, maybe this is OK. So I came out to one of my teachers at Evergreen. Then I came out to my boss and he was just so cool about it. Most people said they had always known I was gay and they were just waiting for me to come to terms with it.

     When it came to me coming out to my parents, it was more about how do I do this and still feel safe. I finally came out to my mom and her reaction was, “I always knew there was something odd about you.” She said that she still loved me, but she knew there was something odd about me. Then I came out to my stepdad. The reaction I got from him was not what I expected. He had a bad experience in an orphanage as a child. So when I came out to him, he basically equated me to being a pedophile – like me being gay meant I wanted to be with kids, and that crushed me in a huge way. He said I can kind of understand two lesbians, but I don’t do the two men thing or the people who change their genitals. Me and him have not been close since then, and that was two years ago. So it’s been hard.

     Since then, I’ve been invited to their house once for dinner. My mom and I used to talk all the time. Now we might text every now and then, and it’s usually about the kids. My partner and I don’t hold hands in public here in Aberdeen. We do a lot of shopping out of town and spend a lot of time out of town where we feel safer. Aberdeen still has the mentality that being different is not OK. I never thought I would be out in Aberdeen, but I am and I’m with the love of my life. But most importantly, I’m happy. So my advice to people is to be yourself. It may be hard, but you just might find support in some places you never expected.

~Interviewed & transcribed
by Jessica Lovelady