Submitted by susan w on Sun, 01/27/2008 - 9:15am.
Activity 2: “Do Unto Others”
As I stated above, this past week has been quite busy and hectic. The old adage “It doesn’t rain but pours,” described my life last week. I had decided to concentrate on work, school, designing our house and building and let family and friends slide for a few days. I planned to spend most of my time working and not much time with friends and family. I accepted this and was busy working when my very good friend called me and needed me to meet with her to help support her through a difficult time. What happened next was almost comical. In the following three days my oldest son called to ask my husband and I to go out to dinner with him and meet his new girlfriend (this was unusual since we usually ask him to get together not the other way around), my parents asked me to go to lunch with them (to touch base and reconnect), my husband was working extra hard with some difficult clients and needed to get away and have some fun together, some friends from work were having a get together and had asked me to come a month ago when they planned it and I had accepted not knowing I would be so over-worked, my youngest daughter needed special attention with some of her school work, and the list goes on…. All with the outcome of causing minor disruptions to my well-thought out plan of work, school, house, etc. It is normal in my life for plans to change. Especially with having/raising six children…this has happened quite frequently throughout my life. I remember quite a few years ago having an epiphany! I realized that it was not abnormal to have my plans changed…what was abnormal was when I was actually able to follow through on all my plans! Some of these interruptions usually happen each week but certainly not all in the same week. My first inclination was to postpone all of these chances to get together until next week when I felt I would have more time. Then I remembered the times I had done this in the past and I usually regretted it. Plus often the next week something else comes up to postpone the plans even further. Reminding myself of my priorities, what I have been learning in Positive Psychology and our activity “Do unto others”, I made plans to get together with each of these people. This may not seem like a “sacrifice” but it was that way for me this week.
Outcome: With each of these “get togethers” I felt stressed going into it knowing that my responsibilities were still waiting for me at home. That stress did not last long. In fact, once again, as soon as I greeted my friend/son, etc. I felt glad that I had made the effort. By the end of the time together (1 hour with a friend, 2 hours with my son, 1 hour with my husband, 2 hours with my parents, 2 hours with my daughter, 2 hours at the party) I felt energized and contented. I realized that it was not only the other person who benefited from these encounters (at least I hope they did) but, of course, myself as well. I also needed to connect, feel needed and feel loved. It is rather awesome and a little too much to comprehend when I realize that these times could not be repeated later since each moment in time is unique. I also realize that not only am I being “there” for them but I am building a “base” of support for myself as well. I know that all of these friends/family would be there for me if I needed them. Part of the reason I “sacrificed” my time for them was because I wanted to show my thankfulness to them for being in my life. I hope I helped lift the spirits of those who needed it, was a good sounding board for those who needed to be listened to, gave helpful advice and encouragement when needed and showed them each love and acceptance. In reality the above may have happened…I hope it did…it seemed as if it did….but I know that when I give of myself to others it is I who gain the most. Like usual, I never regret being available for someone but I always regret being too busy.
Insights: I realize it is hard for me to give up my plans but it is always worth it if it means giving to and sacrificing for another human being. I also notice that I may begin feeling as if I am being sacrificial by giving up my time to another but our time together almost always ends up being a blessing for me as well. Finally, if I “Do unto others” I do not think I will regret it as I am saving up beautiful unique “gems” of friendship and love that should last forever.
I also realized about myself that it is easier for me to give up time to those who I already love. It is harder to give when it is a stranger or someone more “unlovable”. Yet, I have done this and at times it is rewarding but much harder for me to implement and do. An example of this was when I found a homeless young man sleeping in our neighborhood…actually passed out. I ended up driving him to the hospital for help (which I know was dangerous and I do not recommend this). He was mentally not “all there” either from drugs or a mental disorder or both. I remember thinking that he was near my oldest son’s age and I felt more inclined to help him because I would want someone to do that for my son were he in the same position. Ultimately, I ended up leaving him at the hospital in the care of professionals. It was not an experience that made me more energized but one that disturbed me quite a bit. Instead of feeling glad that I helped him, I felt hopeless since I did not feel he would get the help he needed. I cried on the way home and he ended up being in my thoughts and prayers for a long time (even now I wonder what happened to him). The experience did not and still does not leave me feeling good…but it was a lasting encounter, and I felt my motives were in the vein of “Do unto others”. I know I will never forget it. I have had other similar encounters where I have set out to “Do unto others” and somehow it seems to turn out badly, not at all as I imagined it. Out of these experiences I learned that it is probably not wise to measure the outcome or emotions of an event such as this in order to decide whether it was worthwhile to repeat, but rather to be true to your values and morals when you give of yourself…regardless of the outcome. Contrast of “do unto others” and pleasure activity: When I contrast the “do unto others” exercise with a “pleasurable” sensory experience I find some similarities in my emotions, behavior and thought processes but I found more things that were not similar.
This past week during my most stressful time I really had a craving for chocolate. I decided to eat a chocolate “kiss”. It was very good but I wanted more…it really wasn’t totally satisfying. The satisfaction left almost immediately after swallowing. Sure it made me feel good for a moment; it helped me forget my stress…for a moment. It made me a little energized (the caffeine kick?) for a while. All in all it did not do much for me…except add calories. Something else I enjoy doing when I am stressed is getting a back rub or foot rub. The problem is getting someone in my family to do this for me without having to give it back (very selfish of me). When I received a back rub from my husband it did help me feel more relaxed and some of the tension and anxiety left. Afterwards, I did feel more able to relax enough to accomplish more of my tasks. Interestingly, this also helped me feel more hopeful and happy. My self-talk was also more positive. I realized that some “sensory” activities do help me quite a bit. These usually involve an activity that helps me to slow down, relax or space out. These activities do not stay with me as long as the “do unto others” and I will probably not remember them next month or maybe I will even forget by next week. The more “philanthropic” activities will more likely stay with me for a lifetime in some form or another either by changing the way I think, feel, and behave. Yet, I probably need more sensory experiences every day then I do philanthropic experiences. Although, I do need both no matter how small and brief. The philanthropic event sometimes needs more effort and the sensory one usually does not. The philanthropic event takes me out of myself and brings me into someone else’s world while the sensory actions place my wants and pleasures as a priority. I have realized that sensory is more self-focused and philanthropic is more other-focused. For me, depending on the circumstances, I notice that at times I need to be self-focused and care about my own needs and other times I need to reach out and go outside myself to become aware of my environment and give to those around me. It seems as if both are needed for a healthy emotional life.
Sue,
I loved your postings. They were very genuine and revealed why "happiness" is a fleeting thing, rather than a state. I also noticed what I have always thought of as the central issue in life. How do we be ourselves apart from all 7 billion others on the earth, and how do we connect with others to maintain romantic relationships, families, friends, classes, congregations, etc. The old Agency vs. Communion dilemma (often leading to an imbalance along the selfish-selfless continuum) that becomes harder to juggle the more complex our lives become. This will become a main theme as we proceed through the rest of the quarter.
I also noted (as was true of other's postings) that once we get going on something we often feel much better, but getting started is a tough part - often due to negative self-talk.
Thanks for sharing your honest challenges. I hope this program will assist with the little skills we can use throughout the day to keep our lives headed toward our goals.