So You Wanna Be a Poet
By Laura Hoffman

[excerpt from info. commercial]
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[An except from Becoming a Poet for Dummies]

Tap the return key at the end
of each sentence and space you fiction paragraphs
in an easier to read, more attractive
format where fragmented stanzas run down the
papers left side
write in fragments only
sensor phrases so the poem’s entirety is not
longer than 1/4 page, otherwise the reader will
loose interest
delete all punctuation marks and capital letters
the less grammar rules you know, the more you can
manipulate language

as an author, your job is to write about your darkest
emotional problems and utilize self-pity
never forget: you are the victim

if you can’t create your own poems,
copy someone else’s work, rearrange
a couple lines and type your name at the top
of the page
this is called a cut-up poem

if you have writers block for more than 15 seconds,
this is an indication you are either depressed or have ADD
contact your local doctor immediately

don’t worry if you feel like a poser
even if your intent was nothing more than
an arrangement of elegant rhythm, chances are,
the reader will find great value in your work

image speaks louder than your style on paper
imitate the stereotype
wear black clothing
never, under any circumstance, engage in conversation
remain on the outside and remember every syllable you
overhear, so later, you can mock the character in
your notebook
squint your eyes and appear pensive
always run this phrase through your head:

“I am a writer. I am an artist, and I am a deep, profound intellectual.”