Interdisciplinary Psychology:

Sue Wagaman

Feb 10, 2008

Activity three—Three Blessings

Before I began this activity I really thought that I “count my blessing” already.  I did not write down my blessings but I did try to think about them and notice when they happened throughout the day.  Well, I was wrong.  When I consciously had to think and write out the good things that happened in my day I found many things that I hadn’t noticed consciously come to mind.  In other words, I had blessings that would have gone unnoticed if I hadn’t taken time to think about my day and the blessings in my day. One such blessing was a small thing that I almost forgot about if I hadn’t had this activity to do in the evening.  Our oldest son called to get relationship advice from us.  This may seem small but he often keeps things inside so I was very happy that he thought of us when he needed someone to turn to.   I also noticed that during the week of this exercise I began to notice a pattern in what I chose to remember.  Therefore, I decided to try hard to think of blessings in an area of my life that I don’t notice.  Examples of this are, I notice how my kids are a blessing ‘overall’, but not the specific reasons.  I think I am lucky to have a job I love but not the specific examples of why I love it.  One day when I was looking for specific’s I realized that my daughter, Amanda had told me how much she appreciates me and feels lucky to have me as a mom.  She also took her younger sister to Starbucks with her just for fun.  Many times I do notice these things but I don’t realize the importance of them.  When I wrote them down I realized how I am lucky and blessed to have a 19 year old daughter that thinks she’s lucky to have me as a mom and one who will hang out with her 12 year old sister.  Many times I would have just said to myself…my kids are loving, nice and good friends to each other.  In contrast, when I am thinking of actual examples it reminds me to see specifically what they are doing and why this is a blessing.  Another example of this was last Saturday during my classes I had a participant tell me she loves my classes because I make them so fun especially because I seem to be having so much fun.  Since I have members tell me this weekly, I was ready to just file it away and feel happy that members like my classes.  When I wrote down the specific example it caused me to remember that not everyone gets these compliments every week and I shouldn’t just discount it.  It also helped me think about “why” the members feel this way and this not only made it seem more personal and special but encouraged me to keep it up!  Thinking about and writing down my blessings was a good way to see what I consider blessings.  Most centered around family, friends and work (although this was centered around people too).  I also felt lucky and blessed financially to be in the process of building a house and an office building.  But those things did not resonant quite as high as the blessings of “people”.  As stated in my gratitude letter response, I also realized that I go about my day knowing I am blessed but taking it for granted.  When I did this activity it helped me to put into words “why” I felt this way and how much I had to be grateful for.  It also helped me to focus on the positive, not the negative.  Another benefit for me was, usually before going to sleep I lie in bed and go over all the things I need to do or what didn’t get accomplished or what went wrong that day.  This activity helped me to try and put that aside and focus on the positive.  I think I will continue to do this, maybe not every night but at least a few times a week. This is a great activity for life and one that I really do need to practice more.

The experience of writing the gratitude letter was very interesting.  I did not think it would be so emotional.  As I was writing the letter I began to cry remembering how much Jeff means to me.  It is strange that I can go about my life and not consciously think about the reasons I am so thankful for my husband, Jeff.  When I had to write it in words I realized he is much more important to me than I thought, even though I knew he was I didn’t realize how much and in so many ways.  Since I am the type of person who prefers to talk things out I would not have chosen a letter.  I would have just wanted to “tell” him why I am grateful for him.  Now I see that writing can be much more powerful than speaking.  I think I need to do more of it, especially when I am feeling grateful.  I am thinking that I would like to do this for each of my children and my parents.  It is strange to me to think that it takes writing it down to see everything.  When I was writing the letter more and more ideas came to mind but I didn’t write everything because it won’t all fit in a short letter…29 years together is a long time to thank someone.  It was a very positive experience and helps me to love and appreciate Jeff even more. 

Sue Wagaman

1. Positive self-esteem:  Positive self esteem is associated with adaptive functioning in almost every area of life.  Campbell’s study (1981) as stated on page 48 in this book, found that self-esteem was the most important predictor of subjective well-being.  Another study (Hoyle, Kernis, Learyand, Baldwin, 1999), also found in the book, found those with positive self-esteem had less delinquency, better anger control, were more satisfied in relationships, cared more for others, and had an increased capacity for creative and productive work.  Still another study (Ryan & Deci, 2000) found that high self-esteem has many advantages including a sense of meaning and value, helps to guide relationships and is a by-product of healthy personal growth.  In my experience I tend to agree with this.  In fact, I do not think that I know anyone who is truly satisfied with life that has a very poor opinion of himself but I have known those who do not enjoy life and notice the negative in their lives who have poor self-esteem.  It does seem this goes hand in hand as the studies seem to imply.  Therefore, it is important to try to increase self-esteem (possibly using cognitive and behavioral methods-reframing, positive self-talk, looking at life events more positively, etc.) to help increase life satisfaction.  This area of positive psychology that uses cognitive theories/exercises to increase life satisfaction, I find very interesting.  Just by “telling” and “training” your brain to change its way of thinking and perceiving events seems to actually cause changes in how we feel about our lives.  I know this has helped me many times.  
2. Sense of perceived control:  a belief that one has some measure of control over life events.  This is important, according to Compton, because without it life is simply random events without sense that most people would find disturbing. This does not mean we have complete control ever life.  That kind of control is destructive to well-being and impossible.  In fact, perceived control (Ryan & Deci, 2000) may be an innate need.  Most people who have this feel they have personal control over events to either maximize or minimize negative or positive outcomes.  Just as in the above area, again it seems as if our cognitive processes play a very important role in how positively or negatively we view life.
3. Extroversion:  Compton states (page 50) that, a number of studies have found extroversion to be a high predictor of subjective well-being (Diener et al., 1999). Recent studies have been done to find out why this is true.  Some suggest they are born with greater sensitivity to positive rewards and stronger reactions to pleasant events.  Still others found it may be because they find social situations stimulating

1. Optimism:  Those who are more optimistic report being happier and more satisfied with life (Diener et al., 1999) as stated in Compton’s book on page 51.  Some even report less health problems (Scheier & Carver, 1985, 1992).  The book suggests that optimism is a natural outcome of the other variables of life-satisfaction since a person who has high self-esteem, feels in control of many aspects of life and is successful in social interactions would be hopeful and positive about the future and because of this he would be able to cope better under stress.  I like the idea of learning to improve optimism.  People can learn to be more optimistic by paying attention to how they explain events in life to themselves (Seligman, 1990).  I also feel that is seems important to make a distinction between an unrealistic view of life/events and a realistic optimism based on reality checks (Schneider, 2001). 
2. Positive social relationships:  Compton’s book on page 52 states, “…the well-being and satisfaction with family and friends is one of the few universally found relationships in cross-cultural studies of well-being (Diener, Oishi, & Lucas, 2003)).” Many studies have shown the positive impact that good social support can have on well-being (Sarason, Sarason, & Pierce, 1990).  I find it very interesting but not surprising that this area seems to help increase self-esteem, optimism, and perceived control.  I know by my own reactions and by watching my family and friends that getting together socially with others either one on one or as a group almost always helps increase positive feelings.
3. A sense of meaning and purpose to life:  This is measured as religiosity. Compton’s book states that many studies have found that those who report greater religious faith and importance of faith in their lives and who attend services more frequently also report greater well-being. This is truly found in my own life.  I cannot imagine finding true satisfaction in life without a belief in God and therefore a belief that I have a reason for being on this earth and a higher purpose to fulfill.  I also feel this connects me to past, present and future generations that causes me to react to life choices and events in a less self-centered way.  Lastly, my belief in God gives me a set of values and an “ethic” code to live by that helps in everyday living and also in tough times. 

Comptons’s book mentions that marriage seems to be the only true significant bottom-up predictor of life satisfaction.  Studies suggest that this is true for all ages, sexes, income and education levels, racial and ethnic groups.  Marital quality is also a significant predictor of well-being such as having more positive interactions, emotional expressiveness and greater role sharing ( Sternberg & Hojjat, 1997).  I liked learning about the “Love Styles” on page 89 and the “Two –Factor Theory of Love”.  Sternberg’s “Love Triangle” doesn’t translate well to my type of learning but I find the studies that Gottman and Gottman conducted very useful and interesting. It is especially interesting about friendship being essential to a satisfying and stable relationship (page 101 in Compton’s book).  By friendship they actually mean many things such as good healthy and frequent communication, affection, fondness, admiration and interest in the other’s life.  In one other study (Lauer, Lauer, & Kerr, 1990) both husbands and wives who had been married for at least 15 years were asked to list qualities that are important to a successful marriage.  Being a best friend, liking your spouse, commitment, having similar aims and goals, finding your spouse more interesting over the years, wanting the relationship to succeed and believing it is a sacred institution were all listed.  They all also believed that marriages will have hard times and spouses need to accept differences as well as enjoy similarities between them.  I have been married almost 30 years and I feel I have done things that help and hurt our marriage.  Over the years we have learned a lot about how to have a healthy marriage and I feel we have succeeded.  Therefore, I know that much of this research-translated into doable exercises- has been very helpful for us and encouraging to us.

 Activity 2: “Do Unto Others” 

 As I stated above, this past week has been quite busy and hectic.   The old adage “It doesn’t rain but pours,” described my life last week.  I had decided to concentrate on work, school, designing our house and building and let family and friends slide for a few days.  I planned to spend most of my time working and not much time with friends and family. I accepted this and was busy working when my very good friend called me and needed me to meet with her to help support her through a difficult time.  What happened next was almost comical.  In the following three days my oldest son called to ask my husband and I to go out to dinner with him and meet his new girlfriend (this was unusual since we usually ask him to get together not the other way around),  my parents asked me to go to lunch with them (to touch base and reconnect), my husband was working extra hard with some difficult clients and needed to get away and have some fun together,  some friends from work were having a get together and had asked me to come a month ago when they planned it and I had accepted not knowing I would be so over-worked,  my youngest daughter needed special attention with some of her school work, and the list goes on…. All with the outcome of causing minor disruptions to my well-thought out plan of work, school, house, etc. It is normal in my life for plans to change.  Especially with having/raising six children…this has happened quite frequently throughout my life.  I remember quite a few years ago having an epiphany!  I realized that it was not abnormal to have my plans changed…what was abnormal was when I was actually able to follow through on all my plans!  Some of these interruptions usually happen each week but certainly not all in the same week.   My first inclination was to postpone all of these chances to get together until next week when I felt I would have more time.  Then I remembered the times I had done this in the past and I usually regretted it.   Plus often the next week something else comes up to postpone the plans even further. Reminding myself of my priorities, what I have been learning in Positive Psychology and our activity “Do unto others”, I made plans to get together with each of these people.  This may not seem like a “sacrifice” but it was that way for me this week.