Interdisciplinary Psychology:

Positive Psychology                                                                                          Patricia Sims

Forgiveness/Forgetting                                                                          02/28/08

            Two of my favorite quotes about forgiving are:  “Just because you have forgiven someone, doesn’t mean you have to invite them over for dinner.”, and “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison yourself, but expecting them to die.”

            The first person I had to learn to forgive was myself.  Being the first born in what became, because of the death of one parent, a very dysfunctional family, I had a lot of expectations and responsibilities thrust upon me at a relatively young age.  I felt extremely frustrated and incompetent.  When I got to an age where I understood that what was being asked of me was unrealistic, I started to look at myself differently.  I realized that “because you’re the oldest”, or “because I said so” were not adequate reasons to do all that was being asked of me.  Once I had enough information to see more clearly I was able to forgive my perceived inabilities.  A tremendous weight was dropped from my shoulders.

            Eventually I came to understand that not forgiving others wasn’t hurting them in the least – it was only hurting me.  During my childhood I built up a lot of anger, resentment, and rage.  For many years, if anyone hurt me, I was quick to bring out all three.  I never took it out on others though; I typically let it all fester inside.  Until I took an assertiveness training class when I was 30, I don’t think I ever told anyone who hurt me or made me angry exactly how I felt.  I might pout; sulk, or cry but I never knew how to express any feelings involving anger.  When I look back at the woman I used to be it’s very sad.

            Today I feel like I have a pretty good handle on forgiveness in all areas except for one.  I’ve worked on it for years and while I feel that I have forgiven the person, there are issues that will never be resolved.  I still have the same nightmare about this person that I had 40 some years ago.  Today I have more empathy and understanding. I tried to resolve some of the issues while this person was alive, but she wouldn’t or couldn’t; while I have forgiven and forgotten to the best of my ability, frustration remains.  Any suggestions?