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Lacey Graves: Resilience factor
Lacey Graves
Resilience factor response
2-25-08
I really enjoyed this book. Had I read it six months ago I have a feeling that it would have been foreign and felt unreachable to me. Beginning in October I was taking 12 credits of class and living in my car in Olympia so that I could stay in school. I grew so much within the last 2 two months of fall quarter. As I was reading this book I could pin sown and put names on all of the changes that took place within myself, All of the factors of resilience seemed to shine through and guide my life in a calming and accepting way. For the first time I was truly able to see how negative circumstances can be used as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Without formal instruction or a name for my inner transformation I learned optimisms and how to put things in perspective. Living in my car in Olympia meant being away from my daughter which I considered something a bad parent would do, yet giving up on my education would also be not living up to what I consider good parenting, in preparation for the future. Without training myself to do so I became clear headed and the balance of parenting, plans for the future and my lifestyle change all fell into place. I was able to identify what I did and did not have control over and work around circumstances accordingly. There was not a lot of information that was new to me while reading, but I could greatly relate to what I was reading.
Chapter 11 “Resilience in parenting”, was the most useful in terms of something’s I did not already know, or known but could not previously identify. I became a single mother when I was 18 and have found stress to be a big issue in my life…time management, prioritizing, stomach ulcers and doubts about the productiveness of my parenting skills. I enjoyed reading 3 styles of parenting... authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. Lately I have seen my permissive parenting style manifesting in my daughters behavior. In an attempt to not make my daughter feel as though she is a burden or the cause of my stress I have fallen into the indulgent as opposed to indifferent permissive style. Now that I have seen these 3 styles laid out I can see where I have been going wrong in focusing my parenting choices on her emotion and not on rules and firm control. I can see her becoming more angry and aggressive and at times overly emotional. Out of the 4 key areas of resilient. Authoritative parenting: The parents monitor and supervise, they provide constant discipline, they are supportive and communicative, they help their children to develop emotional awareness, expressiveness and control…I can see that the constant discipline is what I need to work on.
A few days ago in the middle of a screaming fit I listened to my ticker-tape…(this is so embarrassing, why is she freaking out over nothing, I don’t know how to calm her down, I’m a bad parent, I hope she stops screaming soon, if I try to stop her she will just get more angry, her father gave her all of this anger and I hate that I am the one who has to deal with it…where is he when all of this is going on, she is so angry but I don’t want her to think that it is not ok to express herself…ect), I had way too many thoughts to record in the 10 min. that this went on. When I realized that I didn’t see a way to stop the fit because I didn’t want her to think that expressing herself is not ok, I zoned in on my iceberg…I was rarely aloud to express what I was feeling a child which has led to my tolerance of my daughters over expression of her emotions, neither of which are healthy. Now that I am aware of why I freeze up when she is throwing a fit, I have found that I can handle the situation more calmly and realize that a little emotional direction would do much more help than it would do harm.
Over the past year I have found many icebergs that were controlling my life but now I have the tools to work through them and gain control of how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. I see this book as an important piece in my life’s puzzle.
Susan L. Wagaman
Interesting comments on the book. It is great that you have "made it through" some difficult times. I agree about the book being helpful on many levels. Parenting is always a challenge (I have 6 children). I look back and realize that I was not consistent enough with my parenting. It would have been great to know all of this when my kids were younger. It is great that you are evaluating it now while your daughter is still young. Lots of iceburgs come up for me in the area of parenting, too. I believe it is the most difficult job anyone can have. It is very worth it, though.
Wouldn't it be so much easier if kids came with an instruction manual? I raised my two children with the Authoritarian style. Yes, they could express themselves, within limits. I set the limits. Throwing a fit as you are describing is mostly her way of getting what she wants. If you allow her to continue this, she's going to make it even worse when she hits age 13. Set the limits and then stick to them. It's going to be hard at first, but the final result will be good. If she does it in public, turn your back and walk away from her. Keep her within sight though. Don't set her up for any harm. Once she realizes that it didn't work and she got left, she'll see that it didn't work and she'll stop. When you get home, sit her down and have a talk with her. Tell her, depending on her age, what you expect from her behavior. Once you have that across to her, she gets to sit in a chair for 10 minutes doing NOTHING. No tv for the rest of the day,....whatever you can think of that she would consider "discipline". Remember, Seligman's book, Bo-Peep Barbie would have ended up sleeping at the Salvation Army if Nicky would have broken the deal. Discipline comes in many forms. You have to be highly brainey and outthink the kids. This is not easy. :) You can do it though. I have full faith in you. Rule number one for you: set the limits. She must respect those limits or there are repercusions. Good luck.
Lacey,
I commend you for your efforts in being the best parent you can be. Remember the research is very clear that parents are only one of thousands of influences on a child.
Despite that fact that my mother could act like a nutjob at times, she was the one who made a huge difference in my life in countless ways, and I went off and became a doctor (the last time I checked).
When I created a program titled "The Developing Child" 8 or 9 years ago at TESC, I remembered being at Barnes and Noble and measuring how many linear feet of parenting books there were. Most people guess it is 12 or 25 or so, but there were over 100 feet. Imagine how many there are now with everyone writing a book. Ask me to mention the book, "Raising America" in class.