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Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Pyramid Model of Forgiveness (Worthington):
1) Recall the Hurt:
The hurt or transgression that I am recalling is self-inflicted. When it came time to decide who I was going to forgive I realized that I have been blessed in this area. The people that I have in my life do not need forgiving and frankly most of them have had to forgive me. I really started to rack my brain for whom to forgive and that’s when I realized that the worst things that have happened to me in life were purely personal choice. I spent about 6 years of my life on a self-destructive path and I thought I had forgiven myself. However, when reading the forgiveness activity directions I realized that when I think about this time in my life I still feel sick and mad at myself for all the stupid harmful things I have done. I also make the effort NOT to think about that time in my life and the things that I have done to myself… so clearly I have not granted myself forgiveness. So, I am ready to say; I spent 6 years of my life harming myself and others…through drug use, dishonesty, shame and guilt… and now I recognize that and have changed my actions drastically. It is time to forgive myself and let go of my ‘self’ resentments.
2) Empathize:
Dear Chelsea,
I am writing this letter so that you are able to understand why I committed these harmful acts. I was in a terrible place in my life. It wasn’t the “real” me. It was the druggy “I will do anything for my next fix” version of me. My actions are not a reflection of who I really am and if I could take it all back I would. Of course I feel bad about the things that happened but for what it is worth it has made me the person I am today. There is no going back now and so I am not able to repair the hurt I caused in the way I would like, which would be to take it all away as if it never happened. What I can do is continue making steps in my life to ensure that these things will never occur again. Money can be paid back, valuables can be replaced, and apologies can be made…but what is most important to me is that you understand that despite everything that happened; you are a good person. So remember, a person on drugs is not the person they are when they are sober.
Sincerely,
The old Chelsea
3) Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness:
I have done a lot of things in my life that I regret. I am lucky enough to have people in my life that have given me a second chance and granted me forgiveness. What a wonderful gift to give to someone. Now it is time to give that gift to myself.
4) Commit to Forgive:
I spoke to my sponsor about this assignment. We made a certificate of forgiveness together. It was emotional…in a good way. She reminded me that I will still cringe when I think of some of the things that happened and still regret ‘losing’ so much time but I need to remind myself that it was not me and I am still young with plenty of life to live. She said if I follow through then I will not only be a much happier person but I will be able to (someday) look back and laugh at some of the things that happened. She said you get to a point where you are so far past that grim time that it doesn’t even seem like you when you look back. Well, I am 3 years sober and I can definitely recognize when I look back at those years in my life I feel like it was a different person…and it truly was… it was the ‘using Chelsea’… and not only am I committed to staying the ‘sober Chelsea’ but I am committed to forgiving myself.
5) Hold onto Forgiveness
Nice write up Chelsea. I went through the same thing when I was trying to figure out who to forgive. If anything, I've got a lot more apologizing to do than forgiving. I'm glad that you came to realize those things in your life too. Thank you for being so open about your experiences.
*oh and we've been walking around Capital Lake a lot lately.
Chelsea,
It is a difficult decision to forgive one’s self. I have often heard the expression “I am my own worst enemy.” I think that your choice to forgive yourself and face the hurt is inspiring. I don’t know if I am in a place myself to work on self-forgiveness, though intellectually I know I need to, emotionally it’s a different story.
I hope that you truly hold onto your forgiveness, I agree with your sponsor that you will be much happier and that the longer you stay sober, the harder it will be to recognize the “old Chelsea”.
Hi Chelsea, I was glad to see someone else chose themselves to forgive as I did this as well and wondered if it was "okay." I've spent a lot of time, energy and therapy bills forgiving others (my father and ex-husband), but I think the act of forgiving oneself is very powerful. We are so hard on ourselves.
Congratulations on 3 years of sobriety! That's great. One of my best friends is in his 19th year. It's so hard for me to imagine him as a drunk drug addict because he is one of the most together people I know. Yet I'm also very aware that he wouldn't be who he is without his past. It makes me think of ocean glass, the pieces of colored glasses that wash ashore polished and beautiful in their new form. If it weren't for all the crashing waves, tumultous tides and rocky shores, the glass wouldn't transform into rounded forms. Not saying we have to all drag ourselves through the mud, but the reality is that living makes us whole, and not all of life is pretty. I think people who claim never to have done anything regrettable are not very honest. It's part of human nature.
I see myself as a work in progress. I'm sure I will have other reasons to forgive myself in the future, and I try to remember that I am not my behaviors. Sometimes my behaviors may be "bad" but that doesn't mean I am!