Do Unto Others

Lynn's picture
Submitted by Lynn on Mon, 01/28/2008 - 2:55pm.
In August 2007 my very close friend moved to a warmer climate. This idea was presented to her by her husband of 30 years. They made the decision due to her health issues and the warm weather would help her pain. She moved from her 3000sf home to a condo of 900sf and furnished it with castoffs from their family home, because this was only “temporary” until he retired and moved there in a few years.  He told her he would come down for long weekends and she would come home on holidays. At Thanksgiving, he went for a scheduled visit to celebrate the holiday but instead told her he had found someone new. He had never loved her in 30 years. He told her she was lousy partner, a terrible wife and mother…and the list goes on. Needless to say she is struggling. I have spent countless hours on the phone listening to her. She is scared, lonely and a victim of spousal abuse. She has shared horrible family secrets with me. Many things I did not want to hear and wish I had not heard. I feel these people are my family.She does not know how to pay a bill, what assets they have, how to open her own checking account, etc. She finally hired an attorney, now she has an impartial ear to vent towards. She tells me stories about the things he says to her and his aggressive actions towards her and their grown children. This gives me the opportunity to gently interject that what he is doing to her is abusive and a classic style of controlling her.  I know she doesn’t consciously listen to me or if she does she doesn’t truly understand what I am suggesting. One day, when she has her AHA moment, all my comments will resonate in her head.  Until then I know she is slowly digesting the information.I don’t think of this activity as being philanthropic. I see it as an opportunity to pay forward all the dialect graciously afforded me when I was the victim.  I spent 7 years listening to good advice but not hearing. When you are caught in the tornado of domestic violence it’s seemingly impossible to slow down long enough to be rescued. What I do understand is the person caught in this trap needs a patient listening ear and the knowledge that no matter how many time they are sucked back into the funnel, the next time you reach out for a hand it’s still available. I feel extremely blessed that I have this gift to share.

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Do unto others
Walter L. Harris's picture
Submitted by Walter L. Harris on Fri, 02/01/2008 - 2:35pm.

 Lynn

I think that what you are doing for your friend is very commendable. You are probable right about here not really taking what you tell her in, but being there for her is the most important thing you can do for her. She will think you when she has that AHA moment in her life.


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You are amazing
Sandy's picture
Submitted by Sandy on Thu, 01/31/2008 - 6:23am.

Lynn,
You have given a gift more priceless than gold to your friend.  I had friends who were there to listen, again and again, when I went through the most difficult time in my life.  This was the biggest factor in getting through it, and I value each person who spent time with me and remember each one's caring and concern. 
I work with abused women, and it is frustrating when they go back to their abuser,  but most people don't know how the abuser has spent countless hours breaking down esteem.  They don't see that in leaving an abuser, the survivor usually has to give up an income, a neighborhood, friends, their children's school and friends, a home, a job - sometimes they have to leave with just the clothes on their backs without knowing where they will find a decent place to stay, or how they are going to support themselves and their children without any education or skills.  This is not a case of jumping from an abusive life to an easy life.  It's a long, hard climb to self-sufficiency.  Your statement about "no matter how many times you are sucked into the funnel, the next time you reach out for a hand, it's still available" is so profound.  Oftentimes giving support isn't a one-time deal.  You have committed to "pay it forward" and this gives such full meaning to life.  You have taken your tragedy, and are turning your empathy towards someone who knows you understand and do not judge.  I am in awe at how you have turned your life around.

 


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A friend in need....
Patricia S's picture
Submitted by Patricia S on Tue, 01/29/2008 - 1:49pm.

Lynn, I love your comment – “the next time you reach out for a hand it’s still available”.  There is nothing like a friend who will listen to you say the same thing over and over and over and never tell you that your are stuck; a friend who consistently is there for you; a friend who continues to offer a hand;  and a friend who never says “I told you so”.  Maybe that’s what a good therapist does also.

 

It’s difficult to admit you are in an abusive relationship and even more difficult to break free from it. Your friend doesn’t realize it yet, but her husband did her a real favor.  Hopefully she realizes what a gift she has in you.  If she doesn’t already believe me she will.

 

I have a friend who works with abused children.  She hears horrendous things.  I still don’t know how she does the work she does.  As an aspiring therapist, that is one of the concerns I have, where do you put the horrible information you are handed?  I suppose that is why we are sorting through strategies for taking care of ourselves – maintaining our own positive moods.  It’s the old example of an emergency on an airplane when traveling with your children – you have to put on your own air mask first before you can help your child.


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Way to be there
Jill Story's picture
Submitted by Jill Story on Mon, 01/28/2008 - 6:41pm.

Hi Lynn,

 Way to be there for your friend. Why is it that when relationships are bad, we don't leave even when everyone tells you that you are crazy to stay. Friends, family, and therapists a like can tell you that it is a destructive relationship and it is beyond repair, but the person just keeps going back. Another person can be ones worst addiction. Just like your post says...you got to have that AHA moment. And until that happens...you still need to be there for your friend. Never give up hope for her. She will get it. She just need support! She will look back and thank you one day for the gift you are giving her. Good job!

 Jill


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