Author Archives: dousar12

E – Week 9 Log


4 hours writing term paper

Total hours: 4


4 hours writing term paper

8 hours digitizing story

Total: 12

Cumulative total: 18


4 hours digitizing story

7 hours writing term paper

Total: 11

Cumulative total: 29


6 hours digitizing story

Total: 6

Cumulative total: 35


8 hours digitizing story

Finally finished. Took absolutely forever. Figures that I’m such a perfectionist that I had to edit it a whole bunch. I hope it turned out well.

Total: 8

Cumulative total: 43


2 hours writing poetry

Total: 2

Cumulative total: 45


2 hours writing poetry, digitizing work, retagging post

1 hour poetry observed.

Total: 3

Cumulative total: 48

Couldn’t find the drivers for my camera, so I had to go and install a new program to use it. Took longer than I was expecting.

Grand total: 415.5 hours

Week 9 Poetry Collection

Says who?

I am owned by these fictional characters

They guide my waking life, rule what I have the chance to do.

I tell them what I want them to do.

They retort with what actually happened.

It’s usually much more depressing than what I

Planned (like real life I

guess) But they are strong characters

And shan’t do anything they don’t want

So I concede. Depressing it is.


There’s talk of teamwork, of

What it means to band together.

There’s shouting of political ideas,

Cries for more and more enthusiasm.

But it’s not really enthusiasm that drives this process.

It’s need.

It’s a need you can feel deep in your bones,

One that pulls the best out of people,

Encouraging them to shine and to change.

So maybe the word isn’t solidarity,

It’s need.

A need for power, for control, for wages,

For health insurance, for fair worker’s rights.

We give you solidarity when you have need,

I hope you can some day return the favor.

E – Week 8 Log


4 hours editing Your Journey Home

3 hours digitizing How to Survive Being Blessed

My handwriting is terrible

Total: 7 hours


4 hours writing poetry

Too sick to go to class, wrote a reverie on Perloff. Took a while to get it right because I tried to reference a fair amount of the chapter.

2 hours writing term paper

As I did last quarter, I have way, way more term paper than I need. I’m going to have to cut it down.

2 hours digitizing my story

This draft is nigh incoherent. I need to work on my handwriting.

1 hour editing my cover letter

Total: 9 hours


4 hours editing Your Journey Home.

2 hours digitizing my story

2 hours writing poetry

Not all of my poetry ends up being exactly on topic with the class, but it still fits in a lot of ways. Still often inspired by the class and reveries that I have.

Normally I’d have my meeting with Sandy but her mother was just diagnosed with cancer. She believes she’ll be able to meet with me again week ten. In the meantime, I will continue working on my publishing goal without her and check in when she becomes available.

Total: 8 hours


2 hours writing term paper

Started incorporating pieces of my bibliography. I need to get less wordy about describing the books I’m using. I like the abstract, though I’m worried it’s a little bit hokey.

3 hours edits

Seriously, editing Your Journey Home just won’t end

Total: 5 hours


4 hours reading Neuro and writing reverie

This reverie was tricky because I wanted to do the conclusion justice. I hope I did.

2 hours editing Your Journey Home

Total: 6 hours


5 hours editing Your Journey Home

And it is finally done. Passing it off to a friend to look it over.

Total: 5 hours

Weekly total: 40 hours

Cumulative total: 367.5

E – Week 8 Poetry Collection

Perloff – this poem is to make up for the class I missed on Tuesday. 

A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet,

And Nikolas certainly makes Perloff sweeter.

How refreshing ideas and abstracts, no ties to the physical.

A great mass of free floating language begs for poetry

Because it is human nature to give birth to patterns.

Or do patterns give birth to human nature?

Traffic has a rhythm and a pattern, reports turning

Drudgery into poetry.

Poetry needs a revolution just like art.

This is not a pipe and this is not a poem.

But it is the idea of a pipe and the idea of a poem.

People make poetry with more than just words.

Here we conceptualize the unimaginable,

The quiet daily life.


A friend of a friend who is an editing intern

Offered to edit my story. She shattered my

Fragile spun forgetting, my hopes that maybe

Someday I will manage to be normal.

She didn’t understand my story, editing it

With all the finesse of a bull in a china shop.

It clattered to the ground in pieces, the meaning lost

Because she could not put herself in the shoes

Of this lost little trans* boy. Her edits made him

Sound like a butch girl, a woman who he is not.

Sometimes I go about my daily life and I get to forget

That I am an alien. I am an impostor, a conundrum that

Shouldn’t exist. I am transgender, a transcender of

Cultural norms. So unique, a zoo animal.

And then something like this happens.

I will do this with my story many times, if it gets picked up.

I will shelter this lonely little trans* boy and keep him from

Being turned into a butch girl. I will explain myself

Justify my existence before anything will ever happen,

Before my writing will ever be more than a pipe dream.

It’s just so tiring. Surely somebody would understand.

But maybe if people understood I wouldn’t need to write.

I ask myself would I rather be doing anything else and the answer Is no.

I would not give up the muse of my gender for a normal life.

I just wish it wasn’t so tired a bargain.


It is a beast that roars in the night, eating

The people you love. It is not so easily slain

As a simple beast. Radiation changes them, takes away

Who they are and replaces them with someone

More jittery, more cranky.

Their flesh melts away, they are not there.

Instead, they sleep. They sleep, they eat, they need.

They tire, they hunger. Oh, but they survive.

It is hell and it is painful, but they survive,

Flirting with addiction triggers, defying this monster

Ripping away at their insides.

But what if it ever comes back?


The quilt I never made for you, a double Irish chain

Weighs heavily on me today.

You never got a chance to add your quilt to

All of the generations that came before you.

Even when your body was broken you engineered a way

To make sure that you could still craft, could still

Make beautiful works.

You gave me a job, gave me a chance.

But you’re not here any more, stolen away

By multiple sclerosis. Even when your body

Was breaking down, falling apart

You had the best sense of humor of anyone

That I have ever met. Will I still be able to make the chain for you?

Something to hold you to this Earth now

That you can no longer hold yourself. I don’t know.

You left behind your children and husband

And a collection of quilts that would be the envy of

Just about anyone. On me you left behind

The ability to stand up for myself, even when people

Are family, that blood isn’t any thicker than the loyalty

That comes with it. You taught me your humor, your management

The ability to look at people and laugh. I miss you.

I will continue to miss you when I head home

And don’t have you to talk to about my mother,

Or her boyfriend, or politics, or sports.

I will chain you to the Earth with my memories,

With your quilts.

I hope you found heaven, because you certainly

Deserve it.


I can’t read my own handwriting when I write quickly.

Which is a problem when I can only write by hand.

Eighty pages of chicken scratch to somehow

Turn into a story. The paper responds better

Than any keyboard, my mark left in the world.

My hands write better when they move, get rubbed In ink and marked.

I can touch the language here

It isn’t filtered by a screen or the perfection that is typing.

Here is where my drafts are born, because drafts are

Messy, imperfect and full of flaws.

On the computer, they will be edited and processed

Turned into something clean and pure.

This is  necessary evil, because in its raw state of ink

And flaws, my story is not what it should be to others.

It is a raw idea I mold much like a potter, working clay

Until there is something beautiful and functional.

Except I can’t read my own writing.

Always an exciting adventure.

E – Reverie Week 8

“As for cognition, do we not think, literally here, with hands and eyes?” pg 230

“..there is nothing to fear in the rise to prominence of neurobiological attempts to understand and account for human behavior.” pg 232

Why does something physical

Have more weight than something

Ideological? If it exists physically

We give something more thought, more

Courtesy than if it is an idea.


A man does not have himself killed

For a petty distinction

You must speak to his soul.

But how do you do that if

His soul is neurons and clusters

and brain cells? Surely the same way.

With words, ideas. Sounds.

Sounds that are physical, waves

To be interpreted by a brain.

But their meaning will resonate long after

The waves have dissipated.


Ideologies have weight. Nazism, communism,

Slavery, sexism, racism, transphobia.

Weight, and

Body counts.

But we cannot see sexism, or touch

Transphobia. If it exists in our neurons

It is most likely because it exists in

Our culture.

So why so much emphasis

On what is physical?

E – Week 7 Reverie

“…your sense of personal identity and free will, are in fact no more than the behavior of a vast assembly of nerve cells and their associated molecules,” page 200

“…the self/nonself distinction provides the basis for consciousness,” page 216.

Who am I when I am not you?

Because I am neurons and fibres different

From you.

But when you leave where do I go?

Am I gone? But I am different.

I feel hollow. I search and I search

To fill this hollow space inside my chest

My head, my heart, but

You are gone and the hole is there

It is what I have.

I am gone. I feel gone. Where do I find myself

When I am alone?

You find me, put me back

Tell me who to be. But now

You are gone and I am alone.

I am gone, gone, gone

Where the goblins go,

Or the cobwebs the lonely

Toys in the attic,

The soul discarded to dust.

E – Week 7 Log

Monday –

3 hours reading.

Wanted to finish brushing up on Tawada before the seminar. Wanted to explore some more of the text. I’m starting to see Perloff’s delightfully dry sense of humor.

Total: 3 hours

Tuesday –

3. 5 hours of class

Class was amazing. I got great feedback for one of my poems. I’m glad that I can continue to write and develop as a poet and as a novelist. I love writing.

4 hours of writing

Finally finished the handwritten draft of Mauri’s story. It needs a whole lot of spit and polish, but it’s getting there. The draft is still going to be really rough, but it should end up working out alright.  Letting it sit for a while before I start trying to digitize it.

1 hour of cover letter editing

I really should not leave this to the last second every time. Hard not to with all of the other class work and then it’s always fresh in my mind for Sandy. ‘

Total: 8.5 hours

Cumulative total: 10.5 hours

Wednesday –

1 hour meeting with Sandy

She did not actually get a chance to read my script. We edited my cover letter some more, talked about what my story might need in terms of editing. She really enjoys the flow of my story, asked me some questions about what was going on with it.

3 hours editing my manuscript

There was someone online who was volunteering to edit stuff, so I emailed off a copy of my story. I want to polish it more before I send it off. She added almost three thousand words of edits, so I spend a few hours pouring over the script and polishing it up. I’ll also have to do the utterly tedious business of putting it in the format that BSB wants it. And now the big question. To paragraph or not to paragraph.

Total: 4 hours

Cumulative total: 14.5 hours


1 hour trans* talk

Went to the presentation what’s trans* about queerness now. It was alright, mostly geared toward informing people about why transgender studies is a necessary field. I didn’t really need convincing. I knew about some of the historical erasure but not all of it.

2 hours editing manuscript

So many edits. I have some quibbles with what the person editing wanted, but we’ll see how it goes. I never realized how consciously I make a lot of my writing choices. Or rather, I make them unconsciously, but I make them deliberately. I have a lot of reasons for writing the way that I do. That’s a nice surprise. Makes me feel less like a hack.

5 hours reading

Neuro is DENSE this week. Also reading some commentary on Tamora Pierce and her strong female characters. Trying to read some reviews of fantasy. Also found a great book that deals with abortion and the regulation of female bodies. I wanted to read stories about women who had gotten pregnant from rape in order to make sure that I was doing the story a service. This is a sensitive issue and I want to do it right.

Total: 8 hours

Cumulative total: 29.5 hours


4 hours reading

Perloff this time. I love the themes, the idea of taking the mundane and making it poetic. Makes me wonder if cities have their own rhythm and if the rhythm affects speech cadence.

2 hours manuscript editing

There are so many edits. I love writing, I really do, but the rewriting gets to me after a while.

Total: 6 hours

Cumulative total: 35.5 hours


4 hours writing

Mostly poetry for the ealphabet.

2 hours editing

These edits will never, ever stop. There is just no end. Oh well. Price to pay if it makes my writing better.

2 hours reading

Finishing off the reading for the week. Want to have a day off on Sunday, only want to do the cover letter on Monday.

Total: 8 hours

Cumulative total: 43.5 hours

Quarter total: 327.5 hours

E – Week 7 Poetry Collection

The Most Beautiful Thing – somewhat suggestive

The Most Beautiful Thing

Oh it’s dark. But a small light shines,

Illuminating what little I can see of her.

It’s blurry. My glasses are next to the light,

Left there to avoid getting dirty. Dirtier.


Oh, we’re sweaty and sticky. I am not allowed

To do anything. So I lay and compose poetry

Distracting myself from the goddess sticking


Oh so elegantly to my skin. Her noises drive me

Wild. They make me want to help. But I am not

Allowed. Shift hips. Slide into her. There, yes there.


Oh her noises. I melt against her. It’s so hard to lie

And do nothing when she’s making those noises. Poetry.

The way people flow together, flow apart. The way that we

Flow together and flow apart.


Oh she’s screaming. This is the most beautiful thing

As she falls onto me, weak, knees not working. I can move.

So I do. I hug her close, stroke her hair. My turn.


Oh, I’m looking forward to this.


Carving – self injury trigger


I wish it was as easy to see

The marks that not cutting

Leave on me

As the jagged open wounds ripped

By a dull knife wielded in shame.


Because scars are a reminder of what you did.

But I don’t have anything so neat for what

I don’t do.


I have a ring. Silver. It sits on my finger.

A reminder of how long I have not cut.

861 Days. (I had to look it up. I am not

Careful enough to keep count). Two years is

The number I remember.


The way the ring sits the lines remind me

Of a tree. Resting on my finger, breathing with me

As I hold on to my will power hold off this thing

That I will never be able to beat.


For the rest of my life I will probably

Count those days.

I’m fucking proud of those days,

All of them hard won.

 Fast Lane

Fast Lane

My life is forever going to be slow.

I live at a different pace because my body

Demands. Its demands grate on my nerves.

I see people fly by me, doing things so

Effortlessly. Look, this person works

And goes to school. They work and they

Go to school and they never wear dirty underwear

Because they are too tired to get out of bed.


What a world that would be, so different.

How much could I get done if I was not me

With this disability?

Oh, but where my will, my will did it come from?

Would I still have my will if I did not have to shape

My body away from so much disability?

How much would I get done if I was not me

With this disability?


I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

I have questions without answers (doesn’t

Everyone?) because what I want, oh what I want

Is to go into the fast lane with my peers, see them


But I can’t. I can’t live like them, my body (OH

MY BODY) will not allow it.


I sit in my chair as people speed by.

Fine, I huff. Fine, fine, fine. I will sit

And watch what I cannot have. I will paint

My chair wings, I will give it wheels, give it


I might not go anywhere, but I can make my own world.

If I must be caged, it will be a pretty cage

Made of language and stories, freedom from

My own little corner, in my own little chair.